Not Gone Yet
by Tiberias
Summary: BeexSam fanfiction Sam waited seven long years for to see Bee again and now that he has him back everything is changed his Bee is changed stained by Decepticons and looking for a forgiveness that Sam seems not be able to give him.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimers - All characters are over 18.  
Transformers aren't mine.  
Thanks - to my wonderful beta that helped me EnglishEnigma.

Sam is staring at the chocolate cake in front of him ... really staring at it but not in a hungry way ... just ... just a bit disappointed.

"What?" his mom asks.

"Did you really buy me a cake?" he exclaims staring at the candles ... not really wanting to count them.

"It's your birthday!" Mikaela quickly explains like Sam would forget ... no way he would forget but ... but he thinks he's much too old for cakes and parties.

"I'm twenty five, Mom!" he reminds her shifting his eyes from the cake to his mom.

"We know that, darling," she replies not really knowing what's going on with her son.

"We thought that you would be happy," Mikaela says crossing her arms on her chest. Sam sighs and turns toward her.

"If I'm not forgetting you bought me a cake last year and the result was the same. I totally hated it!" Sam snaps.

"I don't know what your problem is, Sam" his mom groans. "Blow out the damn candles so we can get this over with." Sam sighs, leaning forward to blow them out but Mikaela rushes to stop him putting a hand on his chest.

"What?!" he asks stressed.

"Don't forget to make a wish," she smiles slapping his head softly.

"Oh, yes, don't worry about that," he fakes a wide smile. "It's my birthday after all."

"Stupid!" Mikaela hisses slapping him again, this time with more force ... almost smashing his face into the cake.

"But Mikaela!" he complains.

"You deserve it!"

Around eleven pm Sam leaves to return to his home and Mikaela insists on accompanying him ... outside it is dark and a bit windy as the two walk slowly with Mikaela hooked on Sam's arm.

"Every year ... Sam, it's always the same story," she sighs while they are walking slowly.

"I know," Sam replies zipping up his jacket ... the chilly night air makes him shiver.

"Next Saturday I will have a party, do you want to come?" she asks.

"No thanks."

"Eh, I knew it!" she exclaims annoyed. "You really like to be left alone, eh?" Sam shrugs not really caring. "You are still wearing his jacket," she points out while looking at the worn out yellow and black striped leather jacket. Sam sniffs trying to hold back his emotions.

"I like it."

"He left you, Sam ... he left you seven years ago," she reminds him ... like he couldn't remember ... like he wasn't counting each fucking day ... hour ... minute that he lived without him by his side.

"I know," he sniffs again stopping. "You don't need to remind me of it."

She sighs. "I know that you loved him but-"

"Yes, I fucking loved him ... I still love him but I can't seem to get over it!" he snaps glaring at her. "Every time you and my mom ... you keep fucking repeating the same damn thing, that I should get over it but I can't. Or maybe I won't!"

"But look at you, Sam!" she starts to yell. "You ... you don't have a life ... work and home ... home and work."

"I know!"

"You don't go out ... you don't date anybody and believe me you are a handsome man," she points out. "You live with your memories of him but he's not coming back. He left you, Sam ... have the courage to face it. He left you alone!"

"It's not true. He needed ... he needed to-" and then he seems to not be able to end that phrase because he starts to cry. Mikaela sighs rolling her eyes.

"Damn you, Bumblebee!" she yells up at the starry sky ... and she really hates him for how he reduced her friend ... her ex - lover ... because, yes ... they tried to get together but Sam was living with the memory of Bee and so the relationship lasted only a brief month.

"Ok ... ok, let's not talk about him, please," Sam breathes out while hastily wiping away his tears and Mikaela nods going to hug him.

"Oh, Sammy!" she sighs against his neck.

"Hey, you know right now I wouldn't mind a beer," he chuckles softly while sniffing.

"Oh, me too," Mikaela smiles as they start to walk toward Sam's house again.

Seven years ago ... yeah ... he left him and for Sam it's like it happened yesterday ... but at the same time it's like he's been waiting an eternity for his return. He was eighteen years old... so young and he didn't want to leave him ... Bumblebee didn't really want to follow his leader ... he can still remember those sparkling blue eyes as he looked at him telling that he had to ... he had to ...

"Maybe ... maybe we are not alone," he said as Sam felt his heartbeat skip. "Optimus Prime received this signal ... he thinks that it's another Autobot sending it." And Sam cried and yelled because he didn't want him to leave ... he loved him.

"Don't do this to me," he begged ... cold hands in his ... darkening eyes trying to avoid his. "No, Bee." And the next morning he was only a memory ... gone with the others ... far away and leaving Sam alone ... with a sensation of loneliness that wouldn't leave him anymore.

Sam has learned to live with it ... like something is missing and he can't replace it ... him ... his Bee.

Sometimes he stares at the night sky and wonders where his Bee is now ... and he pulls his hand up like trying to reach for a star ... for him ... like wanting to establish contact with him. Other nights he goes to sleep with a feeling of emptiness that he tries to fill with masturbation ... coming with Bee's name on his lips and imagining something that didn't happen and, maybe, never will happen for Sam.

He loves his guardian ... he needs him ... and really Sam would like to hate Bumblebee for what he did to him but he can't bring himself to do that. He's lost and it's like he's walking in a no mans land ... a little voice inside Sam's mind is screaming that he will not see him again ... that the short time they shared together is gone ... now becoming a dusty memory ... that Sam makes shine sometimes when he thinks that he won't make it ... that he won't have the strength to go on without Bee ... but sometimes it's like Sam is still waiting for him to come back ... to find a way to come back to him.

He just doesn't want to get lost in knowing the truth that he's not coming back anymore.

Around dawn Sam wakes up with a strange sensation tickling the back of his mind ... sheets are wrapped around his legs and an empty bottle of beer sleeps beside his pillow.

"Shouldn't have drunk all that beer," he mutters to himself getting up and staggering downstairs because now he's starving for some junk food. "Five o'clock and wide awake. What should I do if not eat," he says to himself while going toward the kitchen wearing only a worn out and much too big hoodie ... Bee's hoodie, now all ruined and stained but Sam can't let it go ... can't throw it ... it's a little piece that Bee left. He sits at the table with a tub of ice cream and quietly starts to eat moaning in pleasure as he licks the spoon. "Fucking good." He just sits there with a leg bent under his thigh as he keeps eating. "More caramel syrup." He smiles watching the sticky liquid drip over the creamy ice cream.

"What?" he suddenly jumps as he hears a rumble outside ... breaking the silence that's enveloping the entire neighborhood. He sighs getting up and opening the back door as the chill night air makes him shiver ... he stares around the dark garden ... a distant dog is barking but he doesn't see anything strange ... after all it's still early he thinks as he shrugs, ready to go back inside, when something catches his eyes.

"What the-" He walks toward the white fence that separates his garden from the little street lined with trees ... wet grass tickles his bare feet as he keeps slowly walking. "I never saw it," he whispers in wonder while staring at a shiny black striped yellow racing car parked in front of his home.

"I bet Flores' son bought another sporty car," he says walking around it, "but hey you can't deny that that boy has good taste." He yawns caressing the black shiny hood feeling it warm under his hand. "Ah, another crazy disco night," he chuckles knowing what kind of boy Sonny Flores is. Then, as another blow of chilly wind hits his face, he decides to go back ... he's walking toward the house when a rumble makes him turn again.

"Hey," he says turning toward the car where there's a man standing now. "Hey, Sonny, you can't keep your car parked in front of my house." The man remains in silence and Sam can't see him properly because it's still dark but he's more than sure that Sonny is drunk again. "Sonny, really, you can't park it here ... ok, maybe only for tonight then tomorrow morning I want it gone."

"Sonny?" he calls him again this time with an hint of fear in his voice because now the man is coming toward him ... and no ... no, he definitely isn't Sonny.

"Sam?"

Sam freezes as his heart skips a beat ... as his mouth becomes suddenly dry ... as he can't seem to feel anything, only a hiss inside his head.

"No!" he yells stepping back ... staggering on his bare feet. "Oh my god, no ... go away," he finds himself yelling while starting to run away as the man is chasing him ... harsh wind against his wet cheeks as he runs toward his home ... toward a safe place ... far away from him.

"Sam!" he calls him ... haunts him.

Sam rushes toward his still open back door. "Go away," he screams while crying but the man is after him ... heavy footsteps on his stairs and then a large hand slams open the door that Sam was trying to close.

And Sam ... Sam just takes a step back with his sweaty hands against his mouth like he wants to shush himself ... not believing in what he's seeing ... and he closes his eyes because maybe, again ... again, he's still dreaming ... but then reopening them he finds him still there ... still in front of him.

"Sam," he calls him again ... rough, deep voice that sends shivers along Sam's body.

"No ... no, you are not him," he finds himself whispering. "He left me."

"I know," he replies trying to take a step toward Sam. "It's me, Sam ... Bumblebee."

"No ... no, you are not him!" Sam yells stepping back. "Don't come closer to me ... don't you ever dare!"

Bee nods. "Look at me, Sam ... I'm him ... I'm Bee," he says stilling.

"He left me seven years ago," Sam hisses then yells, "He left me!"

"I had to," he simply says and for Sam it's enough ... that, "I had to" ... he can still remember that phrase.

"Look at me, Sam," he says while slowly walking toward the shivering guy. "Sam."

Sam whimpers in pain as he comes closer ... so close to him ... almost there and he's waited for so long ... too long ... for this moment. He's there, Sam thinks, but at the same time he's not like he remembers; his dirty blond hair is now stained deep black and his eyes sparkle less... like something black ... like black oil languidly mixing with his arctic color ... he's more mature and older ... more consumed.

"Sam," he calls him while one of his hands tries to reach for his.

"Oh my!" Sam exclaims as he sees that Bumblebee's cold hand is entirely covered with tiny black symbols ... words and numbers. Bee sighs.

"Let me explain, Sam," he says, "then you can kick me out of your life."

"I don't want to hear," Sam replies not daring to move ... trying to breathe normally.

"Sam," Bee calls him. "Sam, I came here to give you an explanation for what happened."

"I don't want your fucking excuses," he hisses pushing him away. "You left me, Bee."

And touching him ... touching him again is like touching fire ... having him back ... and Sam suddenly craves his touches ... to hold him ... to put his arms around that body that he missed so much ... to kiss him again and beg him to not let him go because it's like Sam slept during all these years ... years waiting for his return. But Sam remains there ... unmoving ... not daring to reach for him ... although he's craving for an embrace ... for a kiss ... for something more ... but he can't ... there's so much that Sam wants to know ... there's still so much that he has to say.

"Go away!" Sam yells but he really doesn't believe in his own words because he wants him ... he craves for him again and again ... he dreamed too many nights about his Bee finally returning home.

"Yes ... no ... oh, Sam, please listen to me!" he yells punching a wall. "Fuck you. I came here to give you a reason." Sam stills ... wide eyes looking at the crack that Bee's fist left.

"Talk," he says.

Bee sits at the kitchen table.

"What I'm going to tell you is not so simple, Sam," he says as Sam sits in front of him.

"Try," Sam sighs while staring at the tattooed hands.

"Well ... Prime ... he wasn't wrong about that signal ... it was really an Autobot signal but ... but at the same time it was a trap ... Decepticons were waiting for us," he explains licking his dry and cracked lips, "and ... and to make a long story short I was captured."

"What about the others?" Sam asks covering Bee's shaking hands with his ... he needs to touch him ... he's so thirsty and needing.

"They cut my signal ... so they couldn't find me anymore," he says entwining his fingers with Sam's.

"All these years-"

"Yes, all these years I was enslaved by them," he nods. "Then, one day, I was able to restore my signal and Prime found and freed me."

"What ... what are those symbols?" he asks while tracing one with the tip of his finger. He sighs, standing up ... then he takes off his leather jacket and worn out t - shirt ... and Sam closes his eyes in pain because all his upper body is tattooed with those symbols.

"Decepticons made this ... and they made sure that my holo - form also has it," he explains while his fingers dances lightly upon his black inked skin.

"You ... you still left me," Sam says.

"Sam, you know that I didn't want to," he replies cupping his face, and Sam ... Sam just let his eyes close for a brief moment enjoying this closeness ... to have him again ... near him ... touching him.

"There wasn't a day that went by without me thinking about you," Sam whispers kissing Bee's hands.

"Me too," Bee replies.

"But Sam-" and suddenly he stops, eyes widening as his hands slam flat on the table surface trying to support his weight ... mouth wide open in a silent scream as black sticky liquid slides down from the corner of his mouth slowly dripping on the table ... a little black puddle forming and Bee's nails dig into the wood as he raises his eyes now totally black toward Sam.

"Bee," Sam rushes to support his lover. "Oh my ... Bee, look at me!" he cries cupping his face as dark rivulets of that liquid slide from Bee's eyes.

"It's ... it's nothing," Bee smiles standing up while shaking his head and antennae as well. "I'm all right, Sam." Sam stares at him.

"No you are not ... what was that?"

"Oh, the Decepticons loved me so much they played with me a bit," he chuckles wiping away the black liquid from his eyes. "I never totally submitted to them ... always giving them a hard time ... heh, heh ... eventually they got tired of my stubborn character and taught me a few lessons."

"What happened?" Sam asks.

"I ... I don't want to talk about this ... please, Sam," he breaths out. But before Sam has time to reply Bee shushes him with a finger on his lips. "Sam, I came here to be your guardian again."

"What?"

"Yes, you heard right ... they are coming, Sam ... I can't explain more ... but they are coming," Bee whispers catching Sam's hand in his. "I'll be your guardian again, like before."

"No ... no, wait!" Sam yells pushing him away. "You will not throw me in the middle of your crazy war games."

"But, Sam, you're already in this," Bee replies.

"What ... what do they want from me this time?!" Sam yells stressed. "I ... I ... oh, please, no. Not again." Bee sighs.

"I know, Sam ... I know but you have to trust me ... again, please, Sam."

"You were away for seven long years and then suddenly you decide to jump back into my life again ... telling me that Decepticons are coming back for me ... no, Bee, I'm tired of your games," Sam hisses walking past him and toward his room. "Go away!"

"You don't really want to see me go away," Bee yells after him. "Fuck you, Sam. It wasn't my fault!"

"Yes, it was, Bumblebee!" Sam yells back glaring at him. "You could choose ... you could have given up Prime and the rest of the Autobots."

"But ... but Optimus Prime is my leader, and I'm an Autobot. I can't turn my back on them," he explains.

"Oh, so it was easier to sacrifice me," he points out.

"No, Sam, it wasn't ... I thought that I would come back as soon as we found the source of that fucking signal," Bee insists. "But it wasn't my fault that it was a trap and the Decepticons wanted to keep me with them for all those years!" Sam shakes his head. "You can't blame me, Sam!" Bee barks slapping his chest. "I love you, Sam, and I didn't want to hurt you."

"I almost don't recognize you, Bee," Sam whimpers leaning against the wall.

"I know ... it's a price that I paid for not submitting to their wants ... for not becoming a Decepticon," he whispers while staring at him.

"Why is your car - form black and not yellow?" Sam asks almost fearing Bee's answer.

"Experiments, Sam ... but I told you that I don't want to talk about that, Sam ... not now," he replies.

"What do you want, Bee?" Sam asks while wiping away his tears, "because I don't know what to do."

"Trust in me again, Sam," Bee smiles softly. "This time I'm not walking away."

"You ... you promise?" Sam stutters. Bee nods.

"Yes, I promise, Sam," and for a moment he can see again the sparkling sky - blue eyes looking directly at him ... his old Bee is gone like those days when he was only a teenager in love with his yellow Camaro.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimers - All characters are over 18.  
Transformers aren't mine.  
Thanks - to my wonderful beta that helped me EnglishEnigma.

Still ... still I don't know what I want to do with this fanfiction.  
Everytime that I try to guess where I want to lead it ... well ... I end up writing what I didn't have in mind.  
In this chapter Sam keeps to fight against his wants and fears ... Bee is the mysterious guy that doesn't allow Sam to really know what he wants from him.  
Also this time no sex ... eheh I'm evil I know ... I didn't want Sam to give in his needs.  
Ok so let's see what you think about it ... thanks.

"Fuck!" Sam hisses pulling the sheets up over his face to block the light that is now filtering through the curtains of his window ... then as quickly as he pulled them up he throws them away ... eyes now wide open as he turns to his side ... toward where Bumblebee should be ... asleep ... but he's not there and Sam sighs returning to stare at the ceiling because, yes ... it's official, it was only a mere dream ... another one that he can proudly add to his infinite collection.

Eventually he decides to get up even if it's Sunday and he doesn't have to work ... but still he prefers to do something else than to stare at the ceiling thinking about his Bumblebee ... wherever he is now.

His bare feet hang down from the end of the bed ... hitting something soft and he sits up gazing down ... noticing a worn out black t - shirt lying under his feet ... and he grins lazily because maybe it wasn't a dream after all ... yes, fuck! Bumblebee was there ... is still there ... but as soon as this happiness of his comes it quickly goes away as he starts to fear that he's left him again ... that last night he came only to justify his position in this whole story.

Sam slowly goes downstairs with Bee's t - shirt wrapped tightly in his fist and tons of thoughts spin inside his mind as he wonders if he can bare to see Bee walk away ... again ... if he can bare to have only shared a few hours with him ... and maybe he shouldn't have yelled at him ... he should instead ... instead he ... he should just take what Bee could give him ... take what he didn't before ... what Bee didn't have time to giving him ... make love ... have sex with him ... only one time ... no ... yes ... no, it wouldn't be enough ... no, fuck no, it can't be ... he can't bare to see ... to know that he's alone again... and this time forever ... for sure ... no, Sam thinks as he reaches for the kitchen door ... as his hand trembles ... as he can't seem to breathe properly and his heart decides to race for a bit ... to just beat fast and make him weak.

He opens it and light ... bright, sunny light hits his eyes as music is playing ... and then he sees him ... doing a little dance while singing as he's just spreading some marmalade on a slice of bread ... and Sam ... and Sam feels like he would melt ... he would just scream and jump around because he's there ... he's still ... still here with him ... all taken up in making breakfast for him as he sings along to a stupid pop song that is playing on the radio. Wearing one of Sam's too large t - shirts and too tight sweatpants ... also Sam's ... and it is all so natural ... so right to have him back in his life ... with him.

He raises his eyes toward Sam smiling softly. "Hey, sleepy head," he says while licking his fingers, dirty with marmalade.

Sam yawns going to sit on one of his knees ... and then Bee leans forward to capture his lips ... kissing him ... and really, Sam doesn't know why he went to sit on Bee's knee ... and he doesn't know why he let Bee kiss him ... Bee, who was away for many years ... Bee, who came back all changed ... maybe, Sam thinks ... maybe he should just restrain himself ... not giving in to his wants and instincts ... but ... but Bee is kissing him ... deepening the kiss as Sam's arms are wrapping around his neck ... and Sam wants to cry because he still can't believe that he's there in Bee's arms ... with him kissing him with passion and love.

He softly licks Sam's puffy, red lips. "Are you hungry?" he asks and Sam nods noticing that Bee is now erect ... a definite buldge that pushes through the thin material of his sweatpants.

Bee reaches with the tip of his finger for a bit of strawberry marmalade and then he lazily grins as he pushes it against Sam's lips ... forcing him to open them. "Please, Sam," he says and Sam slides his eyes closed and licks at his fingers ... blushing ... yes.

Bee moans while staring at him ... taken by him ... by the sigh. "Ok, better to stop this," he says and Sam's eyes shift down noticing a wet spot on Bee's crotch ... and Sam is struggling to not cup him ... to not jack him off ... get naked and spread his legs for him ... but ... but he can't ... no, he knows why he can't and this makes him blush. Eventually he decides to get up from Bee's knees ... and he bites his bottom lip hard because the need is strong and the desire unsatisfied.

"So ... uh, you made me breakfast," he forces himself to smile when instead he wants only to let Bee fuck his brains out ... to just get lost ... forget all those fucking years that he spent alone without him by his side ... estabilish a contact with what he thought to be lost ... with Bee.

He nods grinning. "Pancakes are a bit burned but still totally edible."

Sam laughs shaking his head. "Big robots shouldn't be allowed inside the kitchen."

"So ... so what ... what's happening in your life?" he asks while handing him a glass of milk.

Sam shrugs. "I live here ... alone, and Mikaela is still my friend and ... uh ... I don't know," he chuckles, embarassed ... because this is like talking with a stranger ... like learning to know him again while pondering what is still there ... what you can still see that didn't change. Sam stares at Bee's tattooed hands and wonders what ... how much Bee is changed ... how much of his Bumblebee is left ... if he can still recognize something of his old friend ... lover.

"Do you work?" he asks and Sam nods while chewing a piece of pancake.

"You'll laugh if I tell you what my work is."

"Ok, I'm not going to laugh," he promises but Sam can see that he's restraing himself, "or at least don't tell me that you are into porno."

"Bee!" Sam slaps him. "I'm a teacher," he tells him.

"Of what?"

"Fencing," he whispers and Bee just stares at him in disbelief.

"It's ... it's that sport where you ... you use that kind of sword?" Bee points out while leaning forward.

"Saber ... it's called saber," he explains a bit embarassed. "It helped me to discipline myself ... to not get lost knowing that you left me."

Bee remains in silence as Sam keeps talking. "Eventually, I fell in love with it's discipline and I ended up teaching it."

"Well, that explains all those medals and awards that you have," he tells me.

"One day at school they organized a meeting with a guy who came to explain the discipline," Sam tells him while cutting a piece of pancake, "and I got caught up ... I made a subscription and since then every afternoon I went to practice 'til late."

Bee sighs as Sam whispers, "It helped me ... to ease the pain that I was feeling ... to just avert my thoughts from you ... eventually I became a teacher."

"You should be beautiful with that white form - fitting jacket and breeches," he says and Sam knows that he just scanned the web in search of information about fencing, "and the jacket's strap that covers your groin and goes between your legs ... delicious."

Sam slaps him again. "Stop that ... it's an ancient art of armed combat," I remind him.

After breakfast they just sit outside ... in the garden, their backs against the white fence, as they sit on the grass enjoying the warm sun licking their skins ... Sam laughs at silly jokes that Bee tells him and it's like being back ... like being eighteen again with him by his side ... like he never left him.

Sam stares at him as he's taken up in telling him another anecdote ... he stares at how much more mature he is ... and wonders if holograms, or whatever you call the technology that he uses to interface with him, can also appear older ... can age like humans ... and Sam wonders what they did to him ... what he went through ... but he doesn't ask ... he doesn't want to stress him with recalling what Decepticons did to him.

Bee is more mature; he's lost his daredevil air now replaced with something more aware ... more manly, Sam finds himself thinking ... Bee is more male ... and more dangerous, yes ... yes, Sam thinks, Bee now has this dangerous and mysterious air ... attitude that he didn't have before. His eyes wander along his tattoeed hands ... arms ... black ink on white skin ... little words ... numbers ... symbols filling his skin ... meaning something that the Decepticons wanted to imprint ... to remind him ... and then the black Camaro parked behind the fence ... shining black with bright yellow racing strips ... black, Sam thinks as he watches Bumblebee now all taken up in watching a little caterpillar resting on his finger. Sam wonders if Bee has secrets ... what he really wants from Sam ... if Sam can really trust in him again.

"Look, Sam," Bee grins while watching the caterpillar.

"Bumblebee."

"Eh?" Bee asks turning toward him.

"What do the Decepticons want from me?" Sam asks.

"Let's not talk about this, Sam," he replies letting the caterpillar go.

"But ... but I think that I have reason to know what they want from me," Sam tells him and Bee nods.

"Yes, Sam, but ... but first let me talk with Prime and the gang."

"Oh, where are they?" he asks and for a moment Bumblebee doesn't reply ... he just stares in front of him like reflecting on what to say.

"Bee?"

"They ... they needed to just settle few things before coming here," he replies. "Until then we have to wait for Prime's return."

Sam nods and Bee takes his hand in his. "Don't worry, I'm here to protect you ... I'm not going to leave you this time, Sam."

Sam stands up while Bee raises his eyes to look at him. "I ... I need to take a shower and then to clean my house a bit," he simply says then walks away leaving Bee alone in the garden.

He starts up the shower as he slowly undresses while thinking about Bumblebee's lies because, yes ... those were lies and nothing else ... and he lets warm water fall over his face as he tries to find a way to not think of him ... of not wanting him.

His head is resting against cold tiles as he thinks that he wants his old Bee back ... the one that he knew so well ... that he learned to love ... but at the same time he wants to know this Bumblebee better ... just to see if under those unfathomable layers there's still ... there's still his Bee or if the Decepticons killed him replacing him with something else.

Sam bites his bottom lip as his hand finds his erect cock and, no ... no, he can't resist because the urge to jack himself off is too much and he can't deny that even if Bee is changed ... even if he can barely recognize him ... he still wants him ... maybe ... maybe much more than before ... years spent thinking ... fantasizing about him ... about how his body would be over his ... how it would be to just be held naked as he makes love to him ... to just share his own private world with him ... to know how it feels ... yeah, how it feels to have him inside him ... would it hurt or burn ... maybe he would like that because he's Bee ... he's the most important thing in the world ... he missed him ... dusty and empty days gone without him and, now that he's back, Sam is torn between just giving in to his wants and cravings or deny what he feels ... what he felt for him.

He cries out as he jacks himself off faster and harder ... but now the clean image of the old Bumblebee is replaced with the dirty and mature one making Sam shiver at the thought of being possessed by him ... to be owned totally ... like he has to shape him again ... to imprint that he's back ... that Sam is his ... only his.

His balls are tight and his breath is fast and harsh as, with closed eyes, he lets Bee fuck him ... as his hands are everywhere and his eyes are looking at him ... burning through him, something erotic and dangerous is swimming in them and Sam knows that he can get lost as he whimpers while orgasming ... while hot water stains his skin with red marks ... red whips that are languidly resting on his skin ... as his hands keep massaging his cum through his pubic air and stomach ... as his eyes are still closed ... still imagining Bee towering over him and Sam wants only to kiss him ... to not deny to himself the pleasure of getting lost in him ... if only he wouldn't restrain himself ... if only he would attempt to give in to his needs.

After the long shower he walks into his room and he goes to stare out the window noticing that the black Camaro is gone ... he sighs going to sit on the bed and for a while he just stares at nothing then he gets up and walks toward his drawer taking out a frame ... he smiles softly as he stares at a photo that Mikaela took ... showing him and Bumblebee smiling widely at the camera all wet after a long swim ... old days gone, Sam thinks while tracing Bumblebee's face with his finger ... bright blond hair sticking in every direction and electric sky - blue eyes staring at the camera ... he was so clean, he thinks while putting down the frame and turning to stare at the black leather jacket that is resting on a chair. Sam lightly touches it ... feeling the thick and smooth leather under his fingers and for a moment he wonders how it would be to just wear it ... to just let pure leather slide

against his bare skin but he doesn't allow his body to feel that kind of pleasure, instead deciding to dress up and go to clean his kitchen.

As he goes downstair he notices Bee walking into the house while closing the door. "I parked my car inside your garage," he says.

"Oh, yeah," Sam smiles noticing that his t - shirt is stained with that substance ... that black oil. "What happened?"

"Ah, nothing, Sam," he shrugs following Sam inside the kitchen.

"You should take a shower," Sam says, "because you are all dirty and sticky."

Bee nods then he kisses him. "I feel you're distant, Sam," he whispers cupping his face between his large hands.

"Give me time," Sam askes stepping back. "It's not so simple, Bee. You are so different."

"Yeah, I know, Sam," Bee replies walking past him and Sam would like to grab him and tell him that he didn't want to say that ... that he needs him ... that he loves him ... he loves him.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimers - All characters are over 18.  
Transformers aren't mine.  
Thanks - to my wonderful beta that helped me EnglishEnigma.

Sam is lying on his bed ... on his stomach as he's quietly listening to the rain hit the window ... his breath is slow and his lips moist with saliva ... he ... he keeps licking them ... his tongue sliding over them ... searching for a trace ... for a memory of his kiss ... of Bee's kiss.

He sighs softly as he recalls him leaning toward him ... capturing his lips in a sweet kiss ... and Sam ... and Sam would liked to just have more ... to just linger a little bit ... more ... to have.

Instead ... stupid Sam! Instead he thought that it was much better for Bee to go to sleep downstairs ... in the living room ... on a couch. Maybe ... maybe it was better to have him sleeping there ... far away from him ... his skin wouldn't touch his ... he wouldn't have to share the same bed ... the same little space ... wouldn't have to just give in and make love with him ... wouldn't have to spend the whole night thinking that he wants him ... that he waited for so long ... and fuck! He's sleeping next to him ... so near ... so beautiful ...and while thinking that this time he shouldn't' just let it slip between his hands ... Carpe Diem, Sam, he would keep thinking.

Bumblebee ... and Bumblebee ... well, he nodded slightly at his request and grabbed a blanket heading downstairs without saying a word ... but Sam ... but Sam could sense that he wasn't happy ... that he wanted to sleep near him ... after all he's still here ... he didn't leave Sam, even after he told him what he had to ... after he justified what he had to ... he can easily pretend that nobody will ever come to search for Sam and so his duty is dissolved ... he doesn't owe anything to Prime because Sam rejected him ... and Sam can choose ... Sam can say that he doesn't want anybody and Bee can be freed by his burden ... but he's still here ... he's not walking away ... he's just waiting for Sam to understand that he didn't want to hurt him ... didn't want to leave him ... to stay away ... he ... he didn't want ... but Sam doesn't trust him anymore and sometimes as he stares at his black Camaro he understands him ... it seems like there isn't any trace of Bumblebee ... everything burnt and dusty ... fire that swallowed everything that was him ... but as his fingers slide over the smooth and shining hood of his car ... he knows that he can't go back ... if only Sam could understand that it wasn't simple to come back and try to justify himself ... to tell him that he wants him back.

Bee finds himself gazing outside into the darkness as his antennae bristles in trying to search for something going on ... but in this rainy night everything is still and quite as his palms are flat against the cold and smooth surface of the glass ... he sighs turning toward the empty couch ... he remains there ... unmoving while staring at it ... he spent so many lonely nights thinking about his Sam ... imagining how he would welcome him back ... what he would say ... do ... tears ... he always imagined that Sam would cry while hugging him ... that his Sam would keep him tight against him ... that he would cry tears of joy in having him back ... long lonely nights where the only solace was his Sam and thinking of that day when ... when they would be together again ... a long walk.

And Sam ... Sam doesn't know that Bee spent almost a week in trying to make his mind up ... to force himself to finally meet him ... he was scared ... he was scared to see Sam ... his Sam ... to let him know that he was back and in need of him ... each night he parked his car and walked slowly ... slowly toward Sam's door ... each night he stilled in front of it thinking about what to say ... thinking about his Sam then as he was about to knock ... his tattooed hand reminded him that he was changed, that Sam wouldn't like him ... and so, backing away, he punctually walked away ... from his Sam.

'Til ... til that night ... and it could have been any other night with him trying to find the strength to knock at that door ... with him trying to let Sam know that he was there ... outside and still ... still watching over him ... but Sam decided to go out and Bee ... Bee rushed toward his car ... cold wind against his skin and his spark burning inside him ... asking to end his torment ... to go back and finally face Sam ... his Sam ... asking to be re - connected to Sam ... again ... one more time ... forever this time.

Sam found him ... found him there and he couldn't escape anymore ... the love of his life had found him and it was like blasting, shining light had swallowed him ... and Sam was like he remembered ... yeah, a bit older but still ... totally his Sam ... his Sam.

His ... empty little word that keeps rolling on his tongue ... Sam is not his anymore ... when he was eighteen ... oh, yes, he was his ... at that time Bee believed that Sam would always be by his side ... he was ready to give up everything ... his race ... his leader ... just ... just to have him ... he wouldn't listen to anyone but his Sam ... and there wasn't any road that he wouldn't dare to take with him ... with that human that stole his spark ... that taught him the words and meaning of love and devotion.

Optimus Prime asked him to come and ... and Bumblebee wanted to say no ... no, I want to stay here with him ... I want to just stay with him because he gave me a home ... he gave me what I was missing ... and I'm not walking in a no mans land where my only drive is to fight and battle Decepticons ... he gave me so much more ... he gave me love.

But Bee ... Bee thought that, yeah, maybe ... maybe only this time he would follow his leader and then no more ... no more ... he would join the others to find the source of that signal and then he would just tell them that he couldn't stay with them ... that he had Sam ... his Sam ... that he liked humans and their culture ... that he wanted more ... maybe they would find it crazy that a robot fell in love with a human ... a robot who tries to live with humans but for Bee it didn't matter, he wanted only Sam.

Bee goes to sit on the couch while thinking that maybe ... maybe he should walk away ... he should give up on Sam and let him live his life ... because, maybe, it's too late for him ... to try to regain what he had before with him ... Sam doesn't want him anymore and this makes him whimper as he hides his face between his hands ... he feels so dirty and stained ... he can easily understand him ... he's ruined ... he's lost and what he can give to him? What he can pretend to have to offer to Sam ... anything ... but still he can't bring himself to stand up and walk away ... to free Sam from his shadow ... he would just get lost somewhere ... desert highways ... dusty days without him ... and Bee cries out because he wanted Sam to want him ... to want him like he wants him ... his Sam who looks at him like he's a stranger ... when he would like to scream that he's still Bumblebee ... that no matter what he loves him ... still ... he loves him like when he was a teenager and he was his yellow, crazy Camaro.

He whimpers again closing his eyes as dark liquid starts to slide down from his eyes ... black tears that he hastily tries to wipe away but he quickly stands up and he spits out the thick black oil ... he covers his mouth as drops spill out while he rushes toward the bathroom ... he starts the shower and steps inside while throwing away the ruined t - shirt and sweatpants ... he coughs and the tiles are now splashed with black drops ... warm water tries to soothe him as his hands grip the tiles ... nails scratching over them as his mouth his opens in a silent scream while black oil drips from it ... going to mix with the water ... he slams his hand against the tile as he kneels down ... as he thinks, no ... no, what can he give to Sam ... and he doesn't know for how long he stays there under the shower ... until the dark oil is cleared out from the water ... until he stops shivering and his spark stops aching ... asking for something that he can't have ... for someone that doesn't want him and then he slowly goes back to the living room ... he sighs going to lie on the couch with his arm covering his eyes as he tries to not think about Sam ... about what he wants.

He needs to recharge and his eyes are falling closed as he hears the door slowly open and then light footsteps ... and Bee knows ... knows that it's Sam.

"Bee," he softly calls him as he approaches and Bee bites his hard knuckles because he doesn't know what to do with him ... because he has to resist to the urge to throw him on the couch and fuck him ... yeah, fuck him roughly ... yell at him that no matter what he's still Bee ... no matter what he still wants him ... loves him ... fuck, you give me a chance you bastard! He would like to yell as he fucks him ... as he takes what he wants ... as he ... no, he can't ... he's his Sam ... he swore to protect him not to hurt him.

Bee sighs rising up on his elbows while looking up at him. "What?" he tries to sound annoyed when he would only like to kiss him ... devouring that delicious mouth.

Sam chews his bottom lip as he stares at him ... as the room is dark and he can barely see him "What?" he asks again this time with a hint of worry as he stares at him ... at Sam standing there unmoving like he's waiting for something ... for him to say something more than a 'what' ... but his mouth his dry and he really doesn't know what to say ... if not asking to be allowed to touch him ... even if only to kissing him ... another contact ... please, Sam ... he would ask for this ... to have him closer ... but he remains in silence as he stares at him standing in front of him.

And then he feels something warm and soft and so smelling of Sam falling on his lap ... a t - shirt and Sam pulls down ... in the darkness ... his boxers and then without saying a word he straddles him ... naked ... warm skin against his and for Bee it's like a pure lick of electricity as his system shakes ... he leans forward and kisses him ... and, really, Bee doesn't know if that hiss is in mind ... if it's his system or his radar or whatever ... but fuck he doesn't care at all, not now at least, with Sam totally naked straddling him ... a thin layer of fabric separating his cock from Sam's ass ... fucking sweatpants! He thinks as he kisses him ... tongue pushing ... asking for more as he sucks at it ... Sam's tongue, and he lets him do whatever he wants as he undulates his hips while moaning inside the kiss.

"Fuck me," he asks languidly ... needy as he lets Bee lick and bite his puffy and red lips. "Please, Bee, take me."

Bee is much too taken by marking his neck ... he wants to brand him ... to mark him ... establishing that Sam is his ... only his ... Sam is owned ... but as Sam's sweaty hand goes to pull down his sweatpants ... he stops him.

"Sam," he calls him softly.

"No ... please, I waited for so long," he cries out while trying to free himself.

"I know," he says as Sam starts to rub against his cock ... wet fabric against his ass ... and he moans asking for more.

"Sam," he calls him again trying ... oh, so trying to not screw up everything and fuck him ... making him ride his cock ... because you want it, he would hiss while kissing him. "You don't want this."

"Yes, I want it, Bee," he replies. "I want to be fucked ... make me forget."

"I can't erase your mind ... and I will not pretend to be your old Bee," he tells him.

"Fuck you!" Sam punches him. "I want him back ... who are you ... you fucking impostor ... what did you do to my Bee ... hmmmm ... no, Bee."

Bee lets him punch him until Sam slumps exhausted against his chest ... harshly breathing against his neck as he holds him tight ... as he listens to him cry. "I'm sorry ... I'm sorry for not be able to give you what you want," he whispers softly. "Maybe ... maybe it would be better for you if I went away."

One of his hands entwines with his. "Never ... don't leave me please," he whispers ... tiny needing voice against my neck wet with tears. "I ... I can't bear to see you walk away again, Bee."

"Yeah, but I'm hurting you, Sam," he tells him while covering his shivering naked body with a blanket.

"Make love to me," Sam cries out. "Please, I want to feel what is like."

"Not now, Sam," Bee tells him.

"I'll be good," Sam whispers wiping away his tears and Bee just stares at him then he makes him lift up a bit as he quickly pulls down his sweatpants revealing that he's erect and leaking.

Sam moans but Bee softly repeats, "I'm not him," and Sam stares at him while sniffing. "Love me for the way I am."

"Why are you doing this to me?" Sam whimpers but Bee shushes him with a kiss and Sam lets him have his way.

"Come sleep with me," Sam moans as Bee's hands cups his ass cheeks.

And then Bee stands up lifting Sam in his arms as he carries him upstairs ... and Sam stares at him ... at Bee ... and as Bee gazes down smiling softly Sam can easily see him again... his old Bee hiding somewhere under layers ... but still there. Bee puts him down on the bed and as Sam spreads his legs he slips between them to kiss him.

"Let me ... let me make you come," he softly says as Bee is licking his neck ... each red mark that he left moments ago.

"Nah ... don't worry," he tells him.

"I ... I want to," Sam whispers as his hand goes to wrap around his large and thick cock and Bee moans and suddenly he's so weak ... he doesn't know how to resist ... how to say no, Sam, no ... he closes his eyes as Sam starts to jack him off and really he shouldn't give in ... not with Sam so confused ... not with him still discovering the old Bee ... but oh fuck! It's so good and he needs it ... his system needs it.

Sam speeds his movements and his balls are so heavy and full ... he just wants to come ... to come ... to spill over Sam's thighs and stomach ... no ... to bury his cock inside him ... but still ... still he doesn't do it ... he loves Sam to much to hurt him ... when he's ready, he thinks ... when he wants me the way I am.

And then he comes ... hot splashing cum dripping over Sam's stomach ... dirtying his fingers as he keeps pumping him ... milking his orgasm out as he kisses him ... his Sam ... as he lazily smiles watching Sam eat his cum ... first tasting it ... then licking and sucking each finger ... while watching him.

Bee whispers that he loves him and Sam ... and Sam licks his lips then replies that he loves him too but Bee doesn't really know if it's true or he just replied to not ruin the moment.

Eventually he decides to just not think of it as Sam is resting now on his chest ... close to him and Sam thanks him for stopping him ... from having sex with him ... and Bee smiles softly telling him that he will wait for him to be truly ready ... he's caressing Sam's head as he thinks that he's fallen alseep ... but then he hears him whisper against his chest, "I ... I'm still virgin."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimers - **All characters are over 18.**   
Transformers aren't mine.  
Thanks - to my wonderful beta that helped me **EnglishEnigma** - **Nova I'Sif** she gave me inspiration and **Blackbolt** because she's always support me with beautiful words.

"Sam."

"Sam?"

Mikaela sighs while leaning forward ... looking intently at her friend ... ex - lover ... Sam, now all taken up in eating the second slice of chocolate cake that she made for him.

"Sam!" she calls him again louder making him jump in surprise and choke with a piece of it.

"Oh, Mikaela!" he grunts while glaring at her.

"Sam ... Sam, really, I called you twice," she tells him a bit annoyed.

"Your cake is wonderful," he grins returning to eating it.

"Yeah ... I can see that you like it," she replies while watching him chew happily. "You and chocolate ... it's an addiction."

Sam smiles and Mikaela shakes her head. "So, tell me why you wanted to see me."

"Because you are my friend ... ehmmm, my only one," he tells her almost whispering the last part.

"I don't buy it, Sam ... you always avoid me fearing that I will ask you to come to one of my parties," she sighs while sipping some coffee.

"Yeah, it's true ... oh, no ... no, Mikaela ... it's that-"

"Sam, all that chocolate made you stupid," she points out. "Next time I'm not cooking it for you."

"Oh no, it's not your cake," Sam rushes to reply because he loves the way she cooks for him too much. "It's just that you want to organize a date with someone for me every time."

"Oh yeah, about that I-"

"No. I say no, Mikaela."

"But he's really-"

"I don't care."

"No, really. Listen, Sam, he's tall and-"

"Ok, I'm leaving, Mikaela."

"No, Sam ... ok, you win!"

Sam slumps in the chair, again. "Do you really think that I would leave you and, above all, this delicious cake?" he grins while slapping lightly her arm. "No way, Mikaela. You should know me better."

"You stupid!" Mikaela hisses. "But really, maybe this time he's the right one for you."

"I say no, Mikaela. No more dates planned by you," Sam tells her. "Really, I thank you, but after last time ... ehmmm, no thanks. I think that I love my single status."

"Oh, Sam, again with that story ... really, I didn't know that he was a boring person," Mikaela sighs. "At work he was usually the quiet and shy type but really I thought that maybe he was just a mysterious guy."

"Mysterious?" Sam asks while raising an eyebrow. "No way. He was only interested in taking me to bed and he spent the whole dinner replying to my questions with ehmmm ... erhhh ... I don't know, Sam ... maybe, Sam ... he wasn't interested in what I had to say because he only wanted my ass."

Mikaela laughs hard while Sam is looking at her. "Ok ... ok, I just wanted you to see someone."

"But I don't want to see anyone, Mikaela ... you should know me," Sam replies while grabbing her cup and sipping some coffee.

"So ... why did you want to see me?" Mikaela asks.

"Erhhhh ... you know, I just ... I just wanted to get some advice from you," Sam whispers like he's fearing that someone will hear him.

"About what?"

"About sex," Sam tells her while blushing.

"Oh my, Sam!" she yells happily while clapping her hands. "Are you seeing someone?"

"Yes ... no, Mikaela. Oh fuck! Stop screaming," he hisses while chewing his bottom lip. "It's not so simple to talk about these things."

"What, about sex? But it's normal, Sam, and so very healthy," she laughs. "Come on boy, spill it."

"What would you think if ... if I ... if I were to tell to you that I'm-"

"What?"

"I'm a virgin ... still a virgin," he finally manages to say while his cheeks are burning.

Mikaela remains in silence for a moment while staring at him in disbelief. "Ok, forget it ... I ... I have to go," Sam sighs while standing up but quickly she reaches for his arm making him sit down again.

"Are you ... are you really still a virgin?" she asks leaning closer to him and Sam nods.

"Yeah ... I know that it's really embarrassing ... I'm a man and I'm 25 years old but ... you know, Mikaela," he whispers while gazing down at the half cake still lying in his dish.

"You never had sex," she tells him and Sam ... again nods. "No way that you saved yourself for him ... for Bee."

Sam shakes his head. "I spent my whole life thinking of him ... hiding."

"Yeah, I know," she nods.

"No one was like him ... and you know that I had a few occasions ... where I could ... you know, have had sex ... but then I couldn't bring myself to do it ... to just forget and go on ... have sex ... let someone fuck me ... yeah," he explains while turning to look outside the kitchen window. "I was really stupid ... missing so many things while waiting for him."

"Well ... it's true, Sam, but maybe now that you are aware of this situation of yours ... maybe you can start to date someone," she tells him. "I ... I can help you."

Sam shakes his head smiling. "Yeah, I know but ... I have to think."

"You think too much, Sam."

"I know."

For a moment they remain in silence as Sam finishes eating the rest of the cake. "Didn't you ever wonder how it was ... you know sex ... how it would be?" after a while she asks and Sam gives a hint of a little embarrassed smile while nodding.

"Yeah ... I wondered how it was ... what would happen but every time I kept imagining it with Bee," he replies standing up to grab his jacket.

"But Bee is not coming back, Sam, and you are still young," she tells him. "Are you going?" and Sam nods.

"Yeah, I still need to do the laundry," he smiles. "Now you know a little dirty secret of mine."

Mikaela nods smiling. "I have to find you a man."

"No way!" he yells as he walks toward the door while stopping to grab his backpack and saber.

"Sam!" she calls him and he stops, turning toward her.

"What?"

"When it happens ... because it is so gonna to happen ... well, tell me how it was ... if it was right for you to have spent all these years denying yourself something so beautiful," she tells him while caressing his cheek.

"Ok ... but Bumblebee is Bumblebee," he smiles nodding. "I'm sure that one day he will come back."

"No. Ok, I give up on you, Sam," she opens the door pushing him outside. "Go away, Sam, or I will have to kick you ... better yet, Sam, wait a moment!" she tells him while rushing inside.

"Mikaela, I have to go!" he yells while adjusting the backpack straps. "Mikaela."

"Oh, one moment. Fuck, Sam!" she yells once she returns with a dildo in her hands. "Ok, it's perfect and new ... come on take it. I wanted to give it to you for your birthday."

"What? A dildo you wanted to give me a dildo for my birthday," he asks in disbelief as she puts it in his hands.

"Oh come on, Sam, it's only a dildo and you are so in need of it," she grins widely. "Now you can practice with it while waiting for your charming prince."

"But ... but a moment ago I told you that I'm virgin!" he points out while staring at it.

"Yeah, I know, but come on virginity for a male is much more different than it is for females," she explains while Sam can't seem to stop staring at her, incredulous of what he's hearing.

"But ... but, Mikaela, I-"

"Oh come on, put it inside your backpack and enjoy," she winks while grabbing the dildo from Sam's hands and throwing it inside his backpack. "And don't forget to use some lubricant ... eh, maybe I have something-"

"No. Fuck no, Mikaela!" he pushes her inside. "I'm going ... really going. I ... I will call you, eh?"

"Ok, Sam, and have fun," she grins then closes the door as Sam remains there for a long moment ... unmoving while wondering if she's gone crazy or maybe he's the one that should face the cruel reality that he's still a virgin and he should do something ... quickly.

The walk toward home is fast as he races toward it ... fucking cold wind he thinks while zipping up his jacket and his fingers are iced as he dodges between people and cars ... he just wants to see Bee ... to just go back and sit down in the kitchen and stare at him cooking for him because, hey, he didn't know that giant robots could cook so well ... and deliciously.

But above all Sam wants to just sit there while listening to Bee talking about all and nothing ... while staring at him all taken up in talking about something ... telling a funny anecdote ... while breathing in that familiar air ... that sense of habit ... of coziness ... of finally being at home after a long trip ... and the way Bee smiles at him ... the way he moves fills Sam's heart with warmth ... makes him want ... desire more ... to just start all over ... to just forget what was and face the future ... to have a second chance ... to trust again in him ... because the way he smiles at him ... the way he looks at him with that look so full of love and devotion; the same that Sam saw before ... the same that Sam learned to know and love ... and in the end he just wants ... he just craves to have him back with him ... after all these years spent without him ... staring up at the sky ... with his nose up toward the sky while wondering where he was ... what he was doing and if he would ever see him again.

Too many times he told himself that he should be less harsh toward Bee ... that in the end it wasn't his fault that the Decepticons enslaved him ... that he thinks it's normal to change a bit as the years go on ... and, for sure, even Sam himself had changed ... in the eyes of Bumblebee he's changed, but then he thinks ... not as much as Bee.

He shakes his head and keeps walking ... but if he could only bring himself to give him a chance ... another one, Sam ... just one more time because he never betrayed you ... it wasn't his fault ... and then he came back for you ... he didn't leave even when you yelled and pushed him away ... he's still there, Sam.

"Bumblebee!" Sam calls once he's at home while closing the door. "Hey, Bee."

Everything is quiet and he shrugs while walking into the kitchen and throwing his keys on the table ... he turns toward the glass window noticing that the Camaro isn't parked outside in the garden ... nor in the garage.

"Bee," he softly whispers while chewing his bottom lip.

He takes off his jacket while going upstairs ... thinking that he wanted to just come back home and find Bumblebee waiting for him ... to see him and feel that warm sensation spreading from his belly to his whole body ... being at home ... finally at home with him ... I would have kissed him, he thinks as he hangs up his saber ... I would go sit in the kitchen and watch him cooking for me ... I would have kissed him ... Bee.

He sits on the bed while kicking his sneakers off and thinking that every night he would fall asleep in Bee's arms ... strong ... protectively against his body, smaller than his ... his big robot ... and Bee would kiss him softly while whispering that he loves him ... that he always loved him ... and Sam ... Sam loves these nights ... while outside its cold and windy ... while he's held by him ... by his Bee ... and even if he still thinks that it's all different now... that he has to start learning to love this new Bumblebee ... well, he thinks that maybe ... maybe he can learn to love him ... that he can try to live with him ... to just put aside his old Bumblebee because he's not coming back ... not anymore, and even if Sam would like to scream and kick everything, he knows that he can't do anything ... the old days are gone and that Bumblebee, who left him seven years ago, is not coming back ... he just left ... he just left telling Sam that he loved him.

Sam whimpers and for a moment he's on the verge of crying but then, sniffing, he goes to start the shower while undressing. Stepping inside the tub he leans against the tile with his forehead pressed against the cold and wet surface as he thinks of his Bumblebee ... as he thinks that maybe it would have been better for him not to have returned ... maybe ... maybe Sam eventually would have given up on him ... moved on ... he would just face it that, no, Bee wasn't coming back ... and so he would make up his mind and move on ... instead he returned ... he found him and now Sam can't let him go again even if he's changed ... even if, maybe, it would be better to get rid of him ... to just pretend that he never came back ... that his Bumblebee is still out there ... far away but still like he thought that he would be ... the same Bee that left him years ago.

He shivers as hot water warms his cold body ... and Sam ... Sam spent many nights thinking ... imagining Bee's return ... how it would be ... him walking toward him ... his heroic giant robot ... his yellow Camaro ... finally returning and he would cry for joy ... he would kiss him everywhere ... he would embrace him ... he would ... he would forgive him ... he would have it all back ... all those old days gone by now but still ... still stinging inside him ... memories that he keeps watching and re - watching like an old and ruined movie that he can't seem to stop watching ... that he has to remember ... because he still ... still can't believe that years ago he kissed him and walked away with the others ... just how come he left ... with a strange feeling that Sam tried to wash away ... that he tried to throw away ... like an old song that he keeps singing ... like an old wanderer that keeps walking even if he doesn't have a destination ... dusty memories that are his company ... a bittersweet taste in his mouth as he crosses a wide desert ... wanting more ... a king and his forgotten kingdom that he still tries to make shine when, in the end, it's only a mere cathedral in the middle of nowhere.

He closes his eyes while rubbing a bit of soap on his chest ... he lets warm water take care of his body ... warm rivulets of water that are like gentle caresses ... faking ... yeah ... he wants Bee ... his attentions ... his total devotion ... his ... his body ... more ... to have what he didn't have ... to share what he denied to others ... to show that, no matter what, he still loves him and maybe with a bit of help and time he can learn to love even this new Bumblebee ... that he can love him for what he is now.

He sighs, immersed in his thoughts, as he thinks that he should shut off the shower ... put some clothes on and then go eat something ... but then ... then with his palm flat against the tile he jumps in surprise as large hands slide, slick and humid, over his stomach before going up toward his nipples ... a hard and wet body is pressed against his ... his back against his chest as he rolls his head back on Bee's shoulder ... still not opening his eyes as Bee kisses him softly ... whispering softly that he loves him ... and Sam ... Sam can feel his cock against his ass cheeks.

"Where you've been?" he asks while smiling lazily.

"I went out to buy pizza and ice cream ... your special dinner," he smiles softy as he kisses his neck.

"Hmmmm, yeah. I love it," Sam grins happily making Bee chuckle.

And then Bee attacks his mouth ... kissing him deeply and Sam allows him to do that because, no ... stop. No, more ... he wants to know ... he wants it all ... he doesn't want to look back and think that he should have taken what Bee offered ... that he should just give in to his wants ... needs ... and he lets him suck his tongue as his hands are shaking ... as his body is shivering ... pressed against the wet tile ... both wrists up over his head ... blocked by Bee ... owned ... owned, Sam thinks as he moans inside the kiss ... as he wants more ... as he wants to offer more ... to give more ... let him eat him alive.

Bee licks his puffy, wet lips hungrily. "I ... I want ... you so ... fucking ... fucking much, Sam," he says between kisses ... licks ... bites and Sam ... Sam, for the first time, can see him properly ... his whole body ... and he moans while licking his lips ... strong body tattooed with tiny symbols and Sam smiles seeing that the old Autobot symbol is still there on his groin ... a bit ruined like someone ... the Decepticons, tried to get rid of it but still there ... like a survivor ... like Bee, like he made it ... that he fought and kicked to remain himself ... to not betray his fellows ... his race.

"All that I know ... all that I know I will tell you ... and all that you don't know ... you will take it from me ... don't stop me, Sam ... don't ... because ... because maybe tomorrow it will be too late for us," he whispers against his lips as Sam tries blindly to kiss him.

"Don't leave me," Sam just says while his hands are against Bee's wet and slick chest ... flat shivering palms as he kisses him needily... wanting to have him closer.

"I promise to you, Sam," Bee nods.

"Don't ... don't go anywhere, Bee ... I ... I love you," Sam cries out as Bee attacks his neck leaving red marks ... branding him ... owning him.

"I will not take you in the shower," Bee pants while kissing Sam's wrists.

"No ... no, please if we wait ... maybe it will be too late for us," Sam repeats Bee's words. "Now ... Bee, because I waited for so long and I don't care at all ... I want you please."

Bee's hands slide down to cup Sam's ass cheeks. "Put your legs around my waist," he orders and Sam, wrapping his arms around Bee's neck, does what Bee asked him.

Sam moans as Bee is now holding his whole weight ... his back against the tile as he kisses him. "And look at me," Bee roughly asks. "It will hurt, Sam."

"I know ... I ... I don't care, Bee," he replies softly. "It can't hurt more than to have waited for you all these years," and Bee nods.

Sam closes his eyes tightly as he feels Bee's huge cock starting to penetrate him ... and he should relax ... because he wants it ... he dreamed about it ... he waited for it ... to finally make love with Bee.

"Oh fuck!" he hisses in pain while his nails digs into Bee's back ... while he shivers and seems to not be able to breath anymore ... and everything is burning as Bee keeps pushing inside him.

"Look at me, Sam," Bee calls him. "I ... I know that you want it. Come on, Sam ... just relax, baby ... give up ... honey."

Sam whimpers in pain. "It's huge ... and ... and it hurts," he cries out as Bee continues to penetrate him ... his cock almost inside him ... and then Bee adjusts himself and Sam yells in pain.

"Stop, please ... it hurts, Bee ... oh ... stop," he cries hiding his face against Bee's neck. "Hmmmm ... Bee."

"Almost ... almost, Sam," Bee moans feeling the perfect tightness of Sam's ass as his muscles are spasming around his cock. "Swallow more ... yeah, Sam."

And then ... then as Bee starts to fuck him Sam thinks that he just has to wait ... to just let him take whatever he wants ... his desire and then ... then maybe it would end soon because it hurts and burns and Sam can't stop crying out with each push.

His arms are tightly wrapped around Bee's neck as he lets him fuck him ... Bee moans Sam's name over and over and then ... then ... Sam with shaky hands cups his face and kisses him while whispering that he loves him ... no matter what.

Bee kisses him as he keeps fucking him ... strong arms and thighs supporting him and Sam moans because maybe ... it's Bee ... the way he's enjoying ... the way he keeps fucking him ... his possessiveness ... his manliness ... the way he looks at him ... predatory.

And then Bee stills and comes inside him ... hot rush of come ... and Sam ... Sam moans coming too ... not because he was enjoying ... but only because his Bee ... his Bee's coming ... orgasming inside him and it's perfect and, yeah, a bit messy ... and it hurt but it's still perfect ... there under warm water that washes away any doubts, any endurances ... and he softly whispers that he loves Bee ... he loves him no matter what ... no matter what.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimers - **All characters are over 18.**   
Transformers aren't mine.  
Thanks - to my wonderful beta that helped me **EnglishEnigma** - **Nova I'Sif** she gave me inspiration - **Blackbolt **and** Speechie42 **because they always support me with beautiful words.

A young boy is running quickly toward home ... wet shoes heavy on the asphalt as he keeps running through the rain, thick drops that are soaking him quickly. Around the little street lined with trees there is nobody else outside and a humid, fresh smell is rising from the various gardens mixing with the damp air. The boy slows down while passing in front of a luxurious racing car parked in front of a white fence.

"A Camaro!" he exclaims to himself as he stares at the shining black, yellow stripped car and he never saw a car of this kind around his neighborhood. His hand is almost there to touch the polished black paint when thunder makes him jump and he decides to start to running toward his home again as he thinks that it would be great to have a car like that ... he just can see hordes of girls begging to take a ride with him.

Behind the white fence there's a little house ... Sam's house ... in his garden a forgotten baseball cap lies between blades of grass and on the table two glasses of lemonade are now filled up with rain. And if someone were to go upstairs they would hear tiny gasps and moans as they approach Sam's bedroom ... silence interrupted by Sam's lovemaking.

His arms are resting above his head ... on each side of his face while his legs are slightly bent and spread wide... his hips are raised up because a pillow is resting under his lower back. Bee is whispering into his ear, incomprehensible words in his own language ... and even if they are nonsense for Sam he just listens to them like they're pure gold that Bee is dripping inside his ears, his mind, and they give him a warm sensation that travels down, passing through his belly, 'till it reaches his leaking cock.

He moans as Bee is sinking further inside him while thinking that, yeah, it was worth it to wait all these years ... to remain a virgin for all these years because sex with Bee is fucking fantastic ... because he can't seem able to just stop doing it ... to have Bee inside him, to make him orgasm inside him. Last night he lost his virginity inside a bath tub and sex was rude and needy like Bee wanted, to just take whatever Sam could give him ... just release the tension in him ... to reclaim what was his, making Sam his. Again. Three times he's let Bee fuck him ... that they are making love because after the bath Bee took him to bed and they made love all over again but this time was much more intense and Sam never thought that an orgasm could be so potent like a fury that envelopes you all leaving you bare ... exposed and vulnerable. And for Sam it wasn't enough ... he wanted ... he wanted to feel, to taste again that sensation and he asked for more. But he spent a long time with Bee in the bathroom as he was throwing up all that sticky, black liquid while Sam kept caressing and calming him down. Bee told him that he needed to recharge and he let him sleep ... Sam let Bee's system crash and try to realign itself after two blowing orgasms that had him almost blacking out.

Sam couldn't bring himself to sleep ... no, he couldn't even if he was feeling sore above all over there ... eheh ... a burning sensation that wasn't fading and in the end he didn't want it to fade ... not right now. That stinging sensation that was remanding him of what they had shared moments ago ... I had sex with Bee, he seemed unable to avoid repeating over and over ... his Bee.

And then he sighed turning toward his Bee that right now was sleeping beside him and he looked so perfect while bathed in the moonlight ... turned toward his side while resting on the edge of the pillow ... his face relaxed, like he never saw it these days ... like sex had washed away any trace of tension and jitters that was bothering him. A lock of dirty, blond hair resting on his eyes and Sam thought that he had always liked to watch Bee sleep because he looked so peaceful as he laid on his stomach with the covers pulled halfway up his body ... naked back exposed to the air and to Sam's kisses. Sam thought that he was beautiful and for the first time he found himself thinking that, yeah, Bee was more beautiful now than yesterday ... he was more mature and manly because he had lost that youthful, daredevil face. He leaned down to capture a gentle little kiss and Bee shifted in his sleep his face scrunching up in confusion. Sam wondered about what Bee was thinking ... his system quickly organizing every little image, sound, event that he had registered and Sam wondered what happened to his Bee ... what the Decepticons did to make him become so different.

Sam leaned to whisper against the argent earphone that he was there and he loved him while he caressed him. Leaning down Sam again pressed his lips softly against Bee's ... just barely a kiss because he didn't want to disturb him ... then he fell asleep on Bee's chest and for the first time he didn't wake up with food cravings or to just walk toward the window sitting there looking up at the night sky, like he was searching for a signal ... for his Bee.

Around seven o'clock Sam felt large, warm hands on him while pulling him toward a hard, strong chest and he drowsily smiled as he heard Bee softly sing a silly love song against his ear. And it was like yesterday, with Bee always picking up songs for Sam ... for every occasion he knew what he could sing to him and often they would sing aloud together during their racing along desert highways ... Bee always starting, inviting Sam to join him, and Sam always following. Sam always thought that Bee had a great voice while he was totally out - of - tune.

Bee kissed him, lazy tongue pushing against his as his thumbs brushed Sam's hardening nipples making him moan inside the kiss while rubbing his ass against Bee's crotch ... silently inviting him to just bury himself in him ... to take what Sam had to offer. And Bee rolled him on his back and Sam opened his thighs to let him slide between his legs ... and he sighed while enjoying Bee's heavy body on his, covering his smaller one while thinking that nobody but him would fit so perfectly over him ... inside him.

And so there he was letting Bee fuck him once again because he seemed to be unable to stop this, to want and crave for more ... for Bee's touches and attentions. The way his cock would fill him ... a burning sensation that slowly was fading away as he got used to having his asshole stretched by Bee's cock ... Bee's cock that was large and thick and Sam learned that could drive Bee crazy if he massaged the tiny stretch of humid flesh behind his balls ... fingers then going up toward the root of his cock ... large base that he would jack off and tease as he fucked him ... making him speed his movements ... movements becoming more frantic as Sam's fingers wouldn't stop teasing him.

He just turns his face slightly to whisper dirty little words against Bee's earphone ... and Sam didn't even know that he liked to talk dirty, to drive Bee insane with his touches and words ... tiny whispered words ... softly against his argent shining earphone, his sophisticate radar ... and Sam's hot breath is now whispering that he wants more ... that last night Bee took his virginity making him his ... his cock is so large and stretching him and it hurts but he doesn't want him to stop.

And Bee shivers while gasping something in his own language because he seems unable to talk in Sam's language anymore ... and Sam grins while licking the shining cold metal of the earphone while asking in a needy voice that he wants to be filled by him .. only him. Bee shudders as he keeps fucking him and Sam knows that he's almost there, reaching the peak ... he can see it in his eyes ... that sparkling light that flashes into his sky - blue eyes.

"I love you," Bee cries out and then as he comes he barely whispers. "Please forgive me, Sam."

Sam's nails dig into Bee's flesh as the hot rush of come fills him up ... a burning sensation that washed over him as his legs wrap around Bee's waist ... wanting to be penetrated more, to let Bee sink further in him ... just stay connected to him, never letting him go again because Sam knows that he will not survive again ... without his Bee by his side.

He milks out Bee's orgasm as he whispers softly, fingers entwining in his dirty blond hair stained black ... barely audible if not for Bee's sophisticated radar. "Feel it ... feel it, Bee."

Bee sinks his white teeth inside Sam's flesh drawing up blood ... he hums while sucking and licking at it ... while listening to Sam hiss in pain as he sucks and licks at the now tender spot ... lazily taking what Sam has to offer, marking him because Sam is his possession ... and secretly he's glad that Sam didn't let anybody touch him ... and what Bee really wants is to show Sam that this is the right place for him to be ... beside Sam just as his lips are a wet red and a metallic taste is filling his mouth.

Sam fingers are entwined in locks of hair, Bee's hair as he moans and cry out and Bee is staring at the cut that his sharpened canine made a moment ago ... a red bruise lightly wet with blood and saliva. He closes his eyes while savouring the taste as his tongue licks languidly at his lips.

Sam smiles softly while his fingers lightly touch the fresh cut that is on the joint of his shoulder. "Are you hungry?" Bee asks capturing his lips for a kiss.

"You don't know how much," Sam laughs while reaching for the covers.

"Stay in bed, honey. I'm going to buy fresh chocolate chip bagels," he smiles while slipping into a pair of very worn jeans.

Sam yawns while covering himself completely. "Ok, but don't forget strong, hot coffee."

"Yeah, sleepy head," Bee smiles leaning down to kiss him but Sam is all ready asleep as he caresses him.

As Bee walks outside toward his car he senses someone following him and he stops while staring up at the dull sky.

"Didn't you talk with the boy?" Prime asks while walking past him and Bee just locks up his jaw as he stares at him.

"No," he simply replies raising his darkening eyes toward him ... as the wind starts to swirl around him carrying dead leaves and dust with it.

"I don't fear you, Bumblebee," Prime quietly replies, "but you will not poison him."

"You will not tell me what I should do with him," Bee hisses as his antennae bristle up. "I don't owe you anything."

"You will not poison him, Bumblebee," Prime repeats this time with more firmness. "You have to tell him."

"Fuck you!" Bee hisses walking past him and toward his car but Prime stops him by catching one of his tattooed hands.

"You have to tell him," he slowly repeats while staring at the young man. "Stop electrifying the air!"

"You can't have him back ... he's dead," he spits out. "Bumblebee is dead and they replaced him with me."

"No!" Prime hisses while holding his hand tighter. "Look at me damn you. Bumblebee."

"I don't owe you anything, let me go," Bee kicks him. "Look at me, I'm not him ... they killed him and replaced your beloved Bumblebee with me to carry on this fucking mission."

Prime wails frustrated. "You aren't one of them."

"Yes, I am," he grins madly. "Yes, I am, Prime."

Optimus Prime let him go, his azure eyes searching for any remains of his old friend. "I saved you."

Bee shakes his head. "It's not so simple."

"I know."

"Let me go," Bee asks while staring at the other man. "Everybody had a share of my body ... of what I was, feasting on what I was. Don't be another one."

"Look at me, Bee," Prime asks. "Don't hurt, Sam."

Bee nods licking his lips. "Ok," he replies while getting into the car and then racing away.

Sam wakes up while lazily humming under thick covers. He slowly pulls them down as he looking around the room notices that there's a tray sitting on Bee's nightstand full of warm chocolate chip bagels and steaming cups of black coffee.

"Hmmmm, delicious," he grins while leaning forward to grab a bagel.

"Hey, Sam," Bee smiles while entering the room. "I found this wandering between the bushes."

"Oh, it's Pete," Sam smiles while putting down the bagel. "Puppy!"

Bee goes to sit on the bed while handling the little puppy dog. "Is it yours?"

"No, but I wouldn't mind having one," he smiles while kissing Pete softly. "The bagels are delicious."

Bee kisses him softly. "Come lean against my chest."

Sam nods happily chewing a bagel with his back now resting against Bee's chest ... Bee's hands now caressing his chest and stomach and Sam sighs while enjoing this closeness and then he chuckles as Bee starts to sing another sappy love song while handing him a steamy cup of coffee.

"Hey, Pete," Sam calls him as the little dog is sniffing at his half eaten bagel. "You like sweets?"

Bee is resting his back against the headboard, staring outside while, holding Sam against his body. He thinks of Prime, of what he told him, and then he lowers his gaze toward his tattooed hand resting on Sam's stomach and he stares at the tiny symbols. "If only ... if only," he breathes softly.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimers - **All characters are over 18.**   
Transformers aren't mine.  
Thanks - to my wonderful beta that helped me **EnglishEnigma**.

Little girl ... little, blonde girl with shining gold hair that moves with every step that she carefully takes ... a little dance and then a bit of ring - a - ring - o'roses with her friends ... light and smooth tutu ... a pale shade of pink full of tiny brilliant stars and crystals that makes her look like a fairy princess ... as she dances in front of him a little wand between her rotund hand as she seems to want to do a spell ... clean me if you can ... clean me if you want, the tall man seems to ask ... whispered words spilling into her ear and she chuckles softly while shaking her magic wand ... her little sparkling crown is upon her golden hair and the man closes his eyes while kneeling in front of her ... she touches him softly with the tip of her powerful wand and the man smiles softly at her babbling strange words.

Bee smiles while letting her perform her tiny dance in front of him ... I'm a fairy princess she reveals to him while looking around because nobody should know what she truly is ... and Bee nods while handing her some candies because it's Halloween and the little girl is gazing up at him so eagerly ... shining voile fluttering around her slim legs as she gazes up at what Bee gave her ... melting sugary candies smelling of sweet and decadent memories ... roses he breathes softly and she wonders what taste a rose would have but then her lively eyes catch his strange tattoos ... but she shrugs while walking away, dancing far away like fresh clean air, her voile leaving a shining trail behind her ... fluttering cotton candy ... old memories of what was and then it's gone ... of what should have been ... delicious laugh as he eats a piece of sugary cotton candy ... his Sam ... days gone, becoming dust ... sensations that his system registered and Sam is laughing while softly kissing him with a melting kiss while he thinks that his place is beside Sam, always there because what would be his life without Sam ... he doesn't know really and he wants to build something with him ... travelling so far.

Like little shining glitters as Sam also makes him buy the candy apple ... red and sticky as he bites it and he complains that, no, Sam seems unable to avoid always eating tons of sugary stuff and Sam chuckles with his lips wet and red ... sticky to kiss and to lick and then he entwines his hand with his and everything is perfect and he doesn't really want to change anything ... he just wants to be with him forever ... even if forever is impossible for Sam but let's not think about it he thinks while kissing him again before Sam can take another bite of that thing.

And Bee shakes his head while thinking that it was like yesterday but it's not so recent ... seven years ago ... so many years passed and Bee turns to stare at Sam now sitting inside his car while waiting for him ... the first time that Sam allowed himself to step inside his car ... his changed car and Bee senses that he's nervous as if he doesn't dare to touch anything ... no fingers softly caressing his leather seat or dash board ... he just sits while waiting for him to come back and Bee would like to paint his car ... his being, in yellow again but he knows that it would be useless because he's not stained outside but inside.

He chews his bottom lip while walking toward him and he would so much ... so fucking much wish that that little dancing fairy princess could have transformed him into what Sam wants ... but his hands, like the rest of his body, is still tattooed and he doesn't feel so clean as he walks toward the car while holding the cotton candy that Sam asked before.

"Thanks," Sam says once he's inside and handing him his sweet. Bee sighs then leans forward to kiss him and Sam allows him to do that ... a kiss but Bee wants more ... he wants his devotion like yesterday.

And it's like Bee woke up in a room full of lies and promises that nobody transformed into reality ... a strange sensation that he tries to understand ... and this is his new home, he has to learn how to live again even if he thinks that he's going crazy with how much he desires him ... and the air is full of questions while in the distance he can hear the sound of a breaking heart but he doesn't have it ...but it still fucking hurts the way Sam sometimes looks at him ... like eh, eh Bee can't see, can't recognize that look but fuck! He's able to understand what Sam is doing.

Want me like I want you, he would like to yell ... don't let me fuck you because you are in search of something that would remind me of him ... he's death! But Bee remains in silence while staring in front of him at a laughing young couple walking hand in hand as she's holding a big peluche that he proudly won for her ... and it's unfair, he thinks and he suddenly wants to just drop Sam at home and then drive and drive far away disappearing and never returning ... and if Decepticons will come for him then fuck everything!

"Bee," Sam calls him and the air is dense and sugary as Bee shifts in his seat.

"Eh, Sam?" he only replies while turning toward him.

Sam just let the cotton candy fall at his feet. "Want you," he says ... barely a whisper.

"Let's go back at home," Bee tells him while attempting to turn on the engine but Sam stops him by putting a hand on his strong thigh.

Bee looks at him intently while searching for something going on but his system is registering a change in Sam and the boy just lets his hand go up toward Bee's crotch ... and Bee closes his eyes while letting Sam cup him through his jeans ... and he's so full and wants to fill him with his load ... he wants Sam in a way that is beyond ... impossible to describe ... but he doesn't want only Sam's body he wants him back, he wants to see that glimpse of light that Sam always had for him ... and ... and now it's gone somewhere ... disappearing and in Sam's eyes he can now only read disappointment ... he just wants Sam to understand that he has to forget what he was ... those shining days becoming only a fading memory ... so far away and by now so distant.

Bee doesn't want to just fuck Sam inside his car. He doesn't feel at ease enough to just pin him against his black leather seats and slide between his spread legs ... fuck him. He sighs as Sam kisses him, so needy as if asking for something that Bee should give to him but all is a blur and Bee really doesn't know if what Sam is demanding is redemption ... a way to forgive him and each day that Sam spent in crying over his gone lover and his hands are still on his crotch ... massaging him through the raw material of his jeans and he moans inside the kiss but he still doesn't seem able to just let himself go completely ... to fuck Sam in his car. Maybe it's because he knows that Sam deeply, deeply hates what he's become, the way he changed. It doesn't sound so good to let yourself be fucked inside the enemy's car ... inside in a car that you don't recognize anymore, and for Bumblebee this car is his whole being, his true being ... but Sam is insistent and he just whispers that he wants him.

Bee stares at him and his eyes darken submitting to his desire to just posses Sam again and again to have him ... ravish him and try to imprint in that fucking mind that Bee is dead and now he has to live with him ... take me or leave me, he wants to hiss against those puffy, sticky lips. Want me or throw me away ... don't make me play any fucking tricks or messed up games ... I'm tired Sam! But still he decides to just remain in silence not letting a word fly past his mouth and he would love to just slap Sam make him bleed and suffer like others did with him ... like Prime keeps doing, always appearing somewhere demanding something that he can't give to him anymore ... pleading words spilling like a waterfall and his once leader asking for something that he can't return ... and he would ... he fucking would return that to him.

"We should stop," he finds himself saying while Sam is sucking his nipples through the thin material of his worn t - shirt and the fabric is becoming wet with Sam's suction and he shivers as Sam open his jeans ... a warm hand sliding inside and Bee is wordless ... and if Sam wants that, well, he decides that he's not going to stop him from doing that ... he's tired of always fighting with himself and the others.

And so he fucks Sam ... inside his Camaro, his changed Camaro where everything is black and cold and Sam's hands are on his shoulder blades with digging nails as he's fucking him roughly and quickly because he just wants to reach that fucking peak, come and fill Sam, then just get it over with and return home while Sam will sit funny because his ass is deliciously burning and his boxers are wet from his come dripping slowly from his asshole.

It's sounds dirty and nasty to just fuck him with his jeans and boxers pulled down around his ankles and his sweater pulled up over his cherry nipples as Bee licks and sucks at them and Sam moans and begs for more ... like he's asking to be abused by him ... like each bite and tiny cut that Bee is producing will make him feel better and clean his mind from foggy doubts.

"Bee," he calls him, soft and needy like wanting to just scream that he needs him like he's air and Sam is drowning in his own pleasure as he spasms around Bee's cock coming all over himself ... making a mess but he doesn't care as his sweaty hands are encouraging Bee to just drive deep inside him ... more ... more, sink more in me, it's like he's demanding, just breach my barriers and make me yours again.

Bee comes inside him, a frustrated cry spilling past his lips as he slows his pushes with wet sounds filling up the claustrophobic air as Sam is now crying in silence and the white cotton candy is still resting at his feet half smashed over Bee's carpet ... smashed like his dreams of what he should be to Sam, always and forever were the two words and he still remembers about those promises but Sam seems unable to just follow him.

Sam wipes away his tears while babbling something about being tired and wanting to go home and the cold sticky sensation in his boxer is becoming an insistent reminder of what he just did moments ago ... Bee shakes his head while sighing. He turns on the engine of his fast Camaro and he takes him home.

Sam falls asleep during the trip and once Bee parks his car in front of the entrance he just slumps down into his seat thinking that maybe he should wake Sam up... moments are passing as he drums on his wheel and then he decides to gently carry him inside. He takes off his jacket putting it over Sam's little form and as he's carrying him inside he thinks of Prime and his words ... how can he think that he's going to hurt Sam ... to make him suffer when secretly Bee thinks that it's Sam that is making him cry his heart out.

He goes upstairs and Sam is hiding his face against his chest and Bee feels a little guilt for the rough way he fucked him ... and he shouldn't have called him a slut when he was coming ... orgasming inside him while whispering that Sam was his slut ... and he really doesn't know how his system was able to generate such insanity ... fucking Decepticons and their sick minds.

He lies Sam down on his bed, quickly covering him, then for the rest of the afternoon he remains in the kitchen while pondering what he should do ... around dinner time Sam walks toward him on unsteady feet and he goes to embrace Bee while murmuring drowsily that he's hungry and Bee cuddles his human for a bit and he chuckles at the strange hums and sounds that his human utters while lazily smiling against his chest.

Eventually he goes out to buy Sam's favourite dinner ... pizza and ice cream. When he comes back he finds Sam asleep again sprawled on his bed half naked and Bee finds himself hypnotized by that vision. He leans down to kiss each inch of Sam's flawless skin, Sam shifting in his sleep and moaning softly as Bee licks and then kisses his lips.

Bee takes off his hoodie ready to join Sam in bed when Sam's mobile phone starts to ring and he quickly rushes to answer it.

"Hello?" he babbles not really knowing what he's doing and he just hears an exclamation of surprise and then a long silence as he tries to ask again, "Who are you?"

"Oh my god, Bumblebee!" he then hears Mikaela yell. "Bee!"


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimers - **All characters are over 18.**   
Transformers aren't mine.  
Thanks - to my wonderful beta that helped me **EnglishEnigma**.

Bee was kneeling on the floor with thick, sticky, black oil dripping from his slightly opened mouth ... fingers spread against the cold surface of the floor, Bee cries out in agony as another wave of sickness hits his system making him spill out more black, viscous oil. He's trembling with the effort to just keep himself online and not blackout ... to keep from just sliding onto the floor and letting his system crash.

"Not yet," he hisses trying to wipe his mouth with his closed fist. "Not yet, Bumblebee."

On shaking legs he stands up and the room is spinning as he tries to walk toward Sam's bed ... only one second he thinks ... I just want to sit for a few moments to regain my strength. He yells out as dark, rolling, black tears are sliding down his cheeks and he hastily wipes them away.

"I still have too much to say!" he cries out. "He has to know."

He slumps, sitting on the bed, while coughing and spitting more black oil ... he raises his black eyes, gazing up at the ceiling while rubbing his shaking palms on his rough jeans ... he remains still, unmoving for a long moment, and he feels his body heavy and his system abused ... just want to crash, he whispers while rubbing his face.

And then his antennae bristle up catching a signal ... and he knows who is walking toward Sam's house ... he knows him and he stands up on shaky legs while making his way downstairs and toward Sam's glass door.

"You shouldn't be here, Prime," he sighs while stepping outside sliding closed the glass door. "I'm busy."

"Bumblebee, I think that you owe me an explanation about what happened when you-"

"I don't owe you a fucking thing!" Bee finds himself yelling. "Just go away, Prime."

"I'm not going anywhere. I want to know what you are planning to do with Sam," Prime roars getting closer to him. "I see you ... don't play any stupid tricks with me, Bumblebee."

"Look at me, Prime," Bee hisses slapping his chest. "Look at me and tell me if you still can recognize him!"

"What happened?"

"They destroyed him, don't you to understand?" he hisses. "They got rid of him when they understood that, no ... the stupid Autobot wasn't going to reveal anything to them."

"It's not true!" Prime tells him while studying the boy in front of him.

"Yes, it's true, they had a bit of fun with him before they just ended his fucking life ... they tore his spark apart," he reveals glaring at him. "He's dead, Prime."

Prime remains in silence as a cold wind is made dead leaves fly around them. "So if my Bee ... my soldier is dead, who are you?" he then asks.

"I don't want to talk about that," Bee spits out walking past him. "Now you can walk away."

"But you owe me an answer," Prime roars grabbing him by his arm. "I saved you."

"You don't know what you are asking for," Bee hisses gazing up at him as electrified air disturbs his radar. "I'm beyond you ... I carry with me something that you can't understand ... can not know."

"Try me," Prime tells him letting Bee go. "Do that for Bumblebee."

"Bumblebee was a stupid 'bot who just thought of protecting you guys ... and he died in a horrible way," Bee yells. "He just sacrificed himself not thinking of what he was leaving behind ... not thinking of Sam!"

Prime widens his sky blue eyes and Bee grins. "Yeah, Sam, because he loved him ... and don't look at me surprised. Yeah, your perfect little robot was fucking what he should have protected, only protected!"

"Bumblebee and Sam were lovers?" Prime asks in disbelief. "But it's impossible and we can't do-"

"Holo - forms aren't only good for disguises amongst humans," Bee tells him while shaking his head. "You should know that the two were lovers."

"I was suspecting something but ... but I thought that Bee wasn't pushing this craziness so far," Prime hisses while rubbing his hands. "Love between us and a human isn't allowed ... we just have to protect them."

"Instead Bumblebee found a nice, new way to entertain himself," he laughs. "Now get your ass out of this garden."

"You still have to tell me many things, Bee or whatever you are," Prime hisses pointing a finger toward him.

"I'm not going to tell you more," Bee spits out.

"I'm keeping my eyes on you, Bee," Prime tells him and then he walks away hands in his pockets and his head lowered.

"You loved him," he finds himself whispering. "He's not coming back, Prime."

Later during dinner as Sam is talking on the phone with his mom Bee stares at him. Sitting at the kitchen table while laughing with his mum about something and his Sam is so beautiful with his dark hair still wet after the shower and only wearing a big sweatshirt ... and his naked legs are crossed under him while he's nibbling some chips that Bee bought for him this afternoon.

He turns toward Bee gesturing him to come to sit with him at the table and Bee nods while sitting in front of him and he silently waits 'til Sam ends his phone call.

"Today I went out for a coffee with Mikaela and she seemed a bit strange," Sam reveals while starting to eat.

"Oh really? About what?" Bee asks while chewing his bottom lip.

"She asked me tons of times if I was dating someone," Sam replies while chewing slowly.

"And ... and what did you tell her?" Bee asks antennae bristling up.

"Obviously I told her that, no, I wasn't dating anyone," Sam says while looking at him in disbelief. "What, I should have told her that you returned and you are my lover again?"

"No!" Bee yells and Sam jumps startled by Bee's distress.

"Bee?" he asks leaning closer to his lover. "What's your problem?"

"No ... eh, eh I was just ... I ..." Bee babbles while scratching his head. "This roast is wonderful!"

Sam remains in silence for a brief moment then he whispers, "Bee, you ... you aren't eating it."

"Oh ... oh, yes! I was referring to the fact that it looks wonderful," he fakes a big grin while avoiding looking directly at Sam. "I know that we don't need to eat and ... oh fuck! I answered your mobile phone."

"Bee ... I'm not following you," Sam points out and stops eating. "You what?"

"Last day you were asleep and your mobile phone started to ring and I answered," Bee rushes to tell him.

"And?" Sam asks trying to understand what is bothering his lover.

"It was Mikaela!" Bee blurts out lowering his eyes.

Sam gasps in surprise. "Oh fuck!"

"Yeah ... I'm sorry, Sam, I just wanted to shut that fucking phone up and I-"

"So now that explains why she was acting so strange," Sam sighs rubbing his face. "She's thinking that I'm dating a new boyfriend."

Bee stares for a long moment at him with a raised eyebrow. "Ehmmm ... Sam, she recognized me." Sam chokes on the coke that he's drinking spitting it on the tablecloth. "Sam?" Bee asks worried by his lover reaction.

"Ok," Sam coughs while punching his chest. "So she recognized you?"

"Yeah, Sam," Bee whispers lowering his antennae.

"I will talk with her and ... and explain what happened with the Decepticons keeping you away for all these years," Sam nods leaning closer to kiss Bee.

"Sam?" after a long moment of silence Bee whispers softly.

"Eh, Bee?" Sam replies gazing up at him.

"I'm not Bumblebee."


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimers - **All characters are over 18.**   
Transformers aren't mine.  
Thanks - to my wonderful beta that helped me **EnglishEnigma**.

I wish ... I wish that it was different ... I wish that he hadn't died; that they hadn't killed him. And ... and it's like sand, grains of sand on my skin that one by one fall on the ground, breaking me up, apart ... leaving me no air and space to live, nowhere to go.

Why has the sky turned grey? And why has my life gone astray? Because I knew what I was and I knew what I was doing ... and they sacrificed him in the name of what ... in the name of what? Fuck them and their beliefs in something ... something that is not within reach ... so far away ... they live with illusions; utopias of something that is not gonna happen and still ... still, they left him behind ... they let him walk across the line he could not come back from. Watched him go and sacrifice himself for what they called truth.

Why has the sky turned grey? Harsh and cold around me ... because I know the truth ... I know why they let him walk into a trap and left him behind ... and I'm going to reveal it all to you, Sam, because you deserve it, because there's more and more and you have to know ... it's only that ... that I don't know ... I don't know. Oh, how I wish it was somebody else instead ... your Bumblebee's gone ... disappeared, destroyed and thrown away ... still, how I wish it was somebody else instead of me ... instead of him.

And this truth that I know ... his eyes upon me begging me to let him know ... tell you the truth, Sam, because I'm falling and people are standing around looking down at me ready to hit the ground ... but before I hit the ground I have to find time to tell you everything I know ... to find someone that can help me ... that can stop my fall, his fall.

Look at my hands because I extended them toward him as he was falling ... as he was falling down with people standing around ... they set everything up ... they let him walk across the line and he's not going to return, Sam. I extended my hands, my arms toward him as he was falling with people standing around ... and before he hit the ground he yelled out the truth and even if I didn't want to hear it I stood there and listened to it ... I listened to it because he made me understand that everything was a shame of dust and lies and he sacrificed himself for you, Sam ... for your future he let himself go, lost in a whirl of nothingness for you, Sam ... because he loved you, Sam, and his love toward you was incomprehensible for them; an unknown quantity difficult to understand and they let him hit the ground.

I talked with him, I spent time with him ... and, softly, I found him whispering that everything he was doing was for you ... love you, love you ... so much, so much, Sam ... I don't know, I don't know why ... but maybe the reason is in you ... have to protect you whatever cost, cost ... your life, have to defend your life ... life ... Sam, love you ... love you. In the silence of his cage he would softly whisper words of devotion and love for you, Sam, and ... and I listened to them, Sam. I listened to each of them, and each was like a little cut, each was like a little bruise, a little new symbol ... remember, remember for him, and the symbol became tattoos that I painted on my body to remember and to make amends for what my fellows did to him, amends my brother ... forgive me, Bee.

Sometimes goodbyes are the only way ... he whispered one night after I carried him into his cage, half consumed and tortured, but your memory ... never fading memory was there, keeping him alive and alive. I sat next to him and he smiled softly pointing toward the starry sky ... there ... yeah there, over there you can find Earth and Sam is there ... there somewhere, waiting for me ... Sam, my Sam. I nodded and let him stare at the far away place that he loved most ... at the far away love that he was craving for.

Each day ... each fucking day it was a new memory that I would imprint in my system, on my fake holo - skin ... and when he yelled and cried out exhausted I was there to keep him alive ... and his glacial eyes would fix on me and beg me to find you ... to watch over you ... and I promised him, Sam ... oh fuck! I promised him that I would be there for you and my trembling hands found his cold one and before he hit the ground there was this time where I promised that I would find you and protect you ... before he hit the ground I painted my whole body with his memories and transformed myself into him ... and ... and Sam I'm here even, even if I'm not him ... he's, he's not going to come back ... you know, it's like snow melting in the Sun. Little puddles of water, of something that a moment ago was there but now ... but now is gone.

And one day he never came back. They just got rid of him finally and he never came back to make my darkness shine with his memories about you, Sam ... he left me alone too, and ... oh forgive me, Sam! I love him more than anything. I fell in love with him but I didn't raise a finger to prevent him from dying by the hand of what I called my Master, my King ... by the hand of Megatron.

Sometimes goodbyes are the only way ... he told me one day as I was caressing him, as his fingers were trembling and he couldn't make it anymore, and I started ... I started to remember for him, to recall each day that he lived with you ... and he smiled closing his blue optics and I kept remembering for him ... he died Sam, like a true hero and I know that you don't give a fuck about what I'm going to tell you and you just want him back in your life and ... and ... I want him back, too; into my life ... Bee.

So I came here to find you and ... and tell you the truth. It's only that ... I don't know, really ... I don't know because you are a treasure and you so want to believe that he came back for you. That from now on you two will be together again. Forever, like each beautiful fairy tale that your mother would tell you when you were little. And when you let me make love to you I know ... so fucking know, that you crave for me, for him to fill that black hole that you have since he left ... fill me, fill me, Bee ... love you ... love you so much, Bee.

But Prime ... fucking Prime knows about what I truly I am and he wants, I know he wants, to find a way to be forgiven for what he did to Bee. For how he let him walk toward enemies ... far away from you, Sam, Bee's Sam ... my Sam. He looks at me with those eyes searching for something that can reconcile him with Bee; to see in his eyes the words, I forgive you, Prime ... to see him again.

And now ... now you are there standing in front of me with wide eyes and your heart is racing ... what does it means that I'm not Bee? Yeah, I can easily read what are you thinking ... Bee? Where's your Bee? Who am I? Look at me; what do you see, Sam?

Your trembling hand reaches for my tattooed one and you gaze up at me ... Bee? You softly call me and I briefly close my eyes trying to stay calm and in control of this situation ... you have to know or not to know? I wonder and I see Bee, standing against the wall as he softly smiles telling me about his human ... tell me more ... more, Bee.

Kiss me, I demand with barely a whisper and you remain undecided for a moment but then you lean forward and kisse me, whimpering inside the kiss ... please ... please, you barely say against my lips, warm humid air blowing against my skin ... love me please, love me, Bee ... I ... I don't want to know ... no ... not again you cry out your forehead against mine, please ... love you.

And because I'm falling down as people stand around ... and before I hit the ground I will find your hands, lips, body and you will keep me sane. You will keep me. I can read it in your eyes, you will ... you will love me for who I am.

I know, you only say sipping a bit of water and then you stare at the clear liquid filling your glass ... love you, you repeat and it's like I love you no matter what ... no matter what, for what, who you represent, the man that I lost years ago.

I'm not him, I repeat softly but you shush me with another kiss even if you are crying and sniffing, even if your are on the edge of just destroy everything ... love you ... love me, you repeat wrapping your arms around my neck ... please ... oh please, you say kissing my strong jaw ... shush and kiss me, you beg and I capture your lips reassuring you that I'm here, I'm here for you ... never letting you go no matter what I promised.

You stand up and I gaze up at you and then my eyes go toward my tattooed hands ... his memories that I'm now making mine ... for him ... for me? We sit on the couch with you curled against me and I know that you don't want to know who I really am. I know that you know Bee is dead... gone and never coming back to you but you remains in silence just breathing through my love, through what I can give to you.

Love you, you murmur before falling asleep and a smile is on your lips as I lean to kiss them.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimers - **All characters are over 18.**   
Transformers aren't mine.  
Thanks - to my wonderful beta that helped me **EnglishEnigma**.

Misty morning ... misty and hazy morning as you are resting upon my chest. Your fingers are wrapped around mine and your breath is steady and calm but I know ... I know that you are thinking, that your mind is processing what I told you last night but, baby ... baby, you don't dare talk, you don't dare ask. Maybe you're too tired of asking, of hoping for something different ... for him to come back and finally have him stay with you forever.

It was a hard road with your tears spilled everywhere. You kept walking while you bled, in search of a safe place where you'd finally find something that could lead you to him, but he's gone ... and you always knew it didn't you, baby? You always knew, even when you saw me ... you knew that he wasn't coming back; that he's gone. Like those bittersweet days by now so distant but still burning inside you ... they are like tattoos that he left inside you, memories that he impressed inside you and you carry on, baby ... you have to carry on even if you would like to blow it all away because now ... now, you know that he really isn't coming back ... your Bee.

Your fingers are wrapped tightly around mine and it's like you need to hold on to something ... to keep from just slipping away, to not get lost in knowing that he isn't coming back, baby ... Sam, you just need to surface and keep swimming even if, in the back of your mind, you just want to forget who he was, what you did with him, what he meant to you. Suddenly it's too late ... too late to just say, I love you, again. I always loved you, Bee ... and even if you are not coming back, well ... well, let me find the right words because this is a good bye and you turn to stare at me. Your eyes gazing up at me ... and wondering ... wondering who I really am and trying to love me for the way I am.

And then you start to talk ... your first words since our talk and your voice is a whisper and you talk about stars and distance and shining moments ... and I remain in silence listening to you, listening to you talking about something that I can barely understand but I let you talk like I let Bee talk ... and I know that I should stop you but I don't do it and instead I let you keep talking.

Later as I'm trying to fix you some breakfast I see you walk outside toward my car ... his car ... his Camaro, now my car form and I don't dare move, just remaining there with a cup of steaming coffee between my hands watching you walk and then stop in front of the Camaro. I find myself on the verge of just screaming at you to stop doing whatever you are doing. Instead I chew my bottom lip, nervous and waiting for something. I put down the cup and shift on my feet while keeping my eyes fixed on you, waiting baby ... waiting to know what is passing through your mind.

Instead you come back, softly closing the glass door, hinting a smile and I feel like a fool while slumping down on a chair, my eyes never leaving you. There are a myriad of questions that I would like to ask but you are too taken in turning on the TV to see if there's something interesting on like a silly cartoon that surely you don't want to miss ... leaving me disarmed and on the verge of yelling for you to look at me and tell me that you accept me as a lover, as someone that you care for ... love me, love me, Sam ... I adore you.

You keep calling me Bee and it's like you don't want to believe, to give up on him, on your Bee and I let you call me by his name ... the house is silent as I slip inside warm water that swirls gently around me ... warm water that can't wash away my tattoos and his memories that I made mine. I remain in the bathtub for so long while my system is trying to register ... to discover what you are doing, where are you as the house is silent, but I can only hear the soft and wet murmur of water against my skin and my lips are a bit salty as I lick them. I close my eyes letting my system just recharge a bit, letting myself be lulled my the warm and wet sensation of water.

When I reopen my eyes I find you staring at me, leaning against the door frame all taken in watching me lying inside a full bathtub and you whisper that I'm beautiful and almost innocent ... and you tell me that this is the first time that you've see me in this light, so innocent and not stained like before, like my confession cleaned my being. You lean forward to kiss me and I smile, lazily caressing your face.

You ask if the water is still warm and I nod, then I watch you undress and slip inside the tub ... and I spread my legs making room for you as you lean with your back against my chest. You fall asleep with me caressing and kissing each part of your body and I like this kind of closeness, me having you against me.

"Bee," you murmur yawning and I smile grabbing a towel and, wrapping it around you, I carry you toward your room ... our room.

"I can see him in you," you tell me once we are inside and I lay you on the bed ... you see me tense but you keep talking. "My Bee."

I nod and I don't know why I find myself replying, "Yeah, your Bee ... I'm yours."

"What do you think you are?" you ask licking slowly his lips.

"The question would be ... what do you want me to be?" I find myself replying.

"I know that you are Bee," you answer leaning against the headboard of the bed.

"No, I'm not Bee ... he's dead," I point out, "and I just decided to use his semblance for you," I explain.

You just smile staring at me. "It's what you think you are."

"I know what I am ... hey, Sam, let me tell you this. I'm a Decepticon," I spit out and he shakes his head. "What?" I ask trying to understand what he wants to tell me.

"You are, Bee," you quietly reply kissing me softly. "You came back for me, Bee."


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimers - **All characters are over 18.**   
Transformers aren't mine.  
Thanks - to my wonderful beta that helped me **EnglishEnigma**.

15 Years Ago -

It's really simple ... really quite simple how you can get lost by following what you think to be true, and then ... eheh, then you open your eyes ... wide eyes on a world that you were trying to reject. Yeah, you just open your eyes and suddenly everything is bright and crystal and, fuck! It was there, yeah boy, in front of your eyes but ... but you were too taken up in rejecting the possibility and you kept running and running, just to avoid the fact that you didn't want to see it.

Prime just took your hand and ... and he was the first that you saw. When you opened your eyes he was the first that you saw, that you recognized, and he smiled softly looking down at you with ... ehhh, with that kind of loving look that a father would aim toward a beloved son, and he looked so old and consumed but you could just tell that he was Prime, Prime ... your leader. Yeah, you could just tell and reassure yourself that he was ... beyond that tired mask that he was wearing on his face, he was just your old best friend, your leader.

"Bumblebee," he smiled softly and your name was like new, like nobody ever dared to pronounce it ... like you never heard it.

You turned toward him and he caressed your head. "I thought that you weren't going to come back to us," he whispered caressing you like you were fragile and almost on the edge of breaking apart ... like he had found a treasure and didn't want to ruin it ... almost touching you with reverence.

"All these years, Bumblebee," he told you and his eyes didn't manage to meet yours ... like fearing a reaction from you. "We thought we had lost you, Bee."

You remained in silence not knowing what he was saying with a strange fog in your head and an annoying sensation like something very important to you was missing ... but you didn't know what at that time.

"Seven years waiting for your return. Thinking, believing, that Decepticons had killed you. Instead ... instead you were alive," he whispered kissing you softly. "My Bumblebee. It's unbelievable ... you are awake."

He helped you to stand up and you felt dizzy and sick and you wanted to sleep a bit more but he ordered you to stay awake and just look at him.

"I'm missing something," you barely managed to say your black metal fingers wrapped tightly around Prime's.

"I know," he simply replied while leading you outside the room. "We'll work on it, Bee ... you'll manage to just look forward and move on ... eventually move on."

And then it was like someone hit you and you found yourself remembering ... Sam, your Sam, and Prime sensed that you just recalled what happened and he tightened his hand more around yours like he was fearing a stupid reaction, like he feared losing you again.

"He's dead," you cried out turning toward him and he stiffened and nodded not daring to lower his optics on you.

"Yeah, after Decepticons caught you they found and killed him," Prime told you and you cried more and more because it was your fault; you failed to protect him.

"But ... but I came back for him," you pulled away from him. "I ... I was covered with tattoos and I came back for him because-"

"You were dreaming, Bee," your leader stopped you. "They set you off, making you go offline ... almost offline, and I think that you dreamed just to find a way to apologize to Sam, to come back to him and apologize ... but it's too late to apologize, Bee."

You couldn't speak a word and he kept explaining. "Decepticons played a bit with your system and your holoform has these tattoos and it's also why your botform and carform is totally black instead of yellow".

"My, Sam," you babbled looking down. "I should have protected him."

"You almost killed yourself protecting him and-"

"But I failed, Prime, I'm here and instead he's dead ... by now only dust!" you screamed in agony and it was like something was lost forever, your Sam wouldn't come back.

"You dreamed for redemption, you dreamed what couldn't be ... and I know that right now you just don't want to hear reason but you did what was possible to avoid them killing him."

"Not enough."

"We didn't manage to detect that they were ready to attack him ... so you found yourself alone and they were too much for you, Bee. By the time that we arrived they had almost destroyed you and killed Sam."

"They should have killed me," you yelled. "I'm not worthy of worship because I failed to protect him."

"Come, Bee," he only said opening a heavy metallic door and you followed him but you couldn't feel anything other than a deep pain in knowing that the love of your life was gone.

"Where did you bury him?" you asked, barely a whisper because it was like you didn't have any energy left.

"On the hill ... you know where," he sighed. "I would so much like to find a way to ease your pain but I know that you have to face it and one day you'll learn to dominate it."

"Bullshit!" you hissed walking past him. "It's a wound that will always bleed."

"I know," he said letting you walk away.

"I thought it was different ... that I was dead. Instead I was dreaming and Sam was the one truly dead in this crazy story," you told yourself transforming back into your holoform. "My Sam," you then cried out looking down at your tattooed hands.

Today -

And now ... now you spend your days at his grave talking and talking about everything that happens in this world that is now your home ... and summer has arrived and today it's so hot as you are sitting in front of his tombstone talking about a silly joke that Hide told you ... and the air is heavy and humid ... your t - shirt a bit sticky but you don't care ... and then, as you finish telling the joke, you just stop yourself thinking that by now Sam is forty and you lock up your jaw to keep from crying out your agony ... years, so many years that went, passed, and still ... still he isn't coming back. Years that you spent alone always missing him ... and fuck Prime when one day he yelled at you that you are a mere robot, a machine, and you shouldn't feel any emotions, fuck him ... but the truth is that he wanted only to find a way to make you forget.

"Sam," you softly call him and sniffing you try to talk about Mikaela and how her daughter is begging her to let her go for a holiday with her friends.

"You know how teenagers are," you laugh but it's like it hurts ... because each fucking day you keep coming here ... with the snow, rain or sun you keep on coming here like you are hoping that one day he will reply to you or, better yet, he will be alive again.

Later you walk inside the house ... Sam's house that Judy and Ron gave to you because ... because for them you were like a son, like their son that they had lost.

You threw the keys on the table and just go upstairs taking off the sticky t - shirt and revealing your tattooed upper body. The house is silent, like usual, and you slump down on the bed ... and your radar isn't catching any sound, any frequency ... like usual. Sighing, you scratch your chin looking around at the bedroom ... what could've been Sam and yours bedroom, and you kick away your sneakers.

Years passed without him ... a bitter taste in your mouth as you think how you survived all these years without your lover and then you stand up and walk toward the window noticing the black Camaro parked in the driveway. A young boy is passing with his dog and for a moment he stops in front of it to admire how beautiful your car form is and you hint at a smile shaking your head while walking downstairs to make dinner. Mikaela is coming tonight with her family and you know how much she loves the way you cook.

Outside the sun is setting and two girls are laughing while slowly walking home carrying coloured shopping bags ... the world is alive and carrying on as you enter the kitchen and the orange rays of light are playing on your holo - skin softening the features of your face as you are all taken up in cutting some potatoes.

"I love you," your radar captures the soft sound.

"I love you, too," you smile softly still cutting a potato because you recognized that voice, "always." Your sky blue eyes gaze up and for an instant he's there sitting in front of you, smiling softly.

"You are doing well, Bee," he says.

"I know," you reply chewing your bottom lip because it's a gift that you are receiving ... even if for just a few seconds and in the dim light of the evening Sam's smile frees you from any doubts that no matter what he loved you ... no matter what he loves you.


End file.
